Okay, so I told you about the day of Thomas' birth, the most wonderful day of my entire life, but I haven't told you all about the past year. After bringing Thomas home, I know I was a lot more over-protective than most moms. I knew this and I warned people about it. It is my job to protect him when he is so tiny. I watched him sleep all the time, I never really put him down at all the first couple of months before I returned to work. I love the feel of his skin next to mine, and I must say that there is no other feeling like the feeling you get while you are breastfeeding your child. I mean, God thought of everything when He created us, and this is such a special gift we are given. It took a good month before we successfully latched-on every feeding, but I was determined to breast feed. I had to supplement the entire time with formula due to my previous breast reduction surgery, but I am so thankful that I was able to breast feed at all. I mentioned before about having a baby and how it forces you to improve your communication with your spouse, and that is what happened. Paul and I had to start communicating much more to coordinate our schedules, dr appts, and such.
When I went back to work on November 29, I cried the whole way to work. I don't think I could have left him to go back to work if my mom was not the one taking care of him. My mom loves him like I do, she feeds him like I do, she bathes him like I do, she does things the same way I do because she is the one that taught me all of these things in the first place. I wish I could put into words how I feel about my mother. She is simply full of goodness and kindness. She always puts herself last, and never complains about it. The fact that I have liver cancer now is harder on her than I think it is on me. I have to tell her that if she goes to an appt with me, she has to promise not to cry. She cries a lot for me, which I hate. I don't want her to hurt. We never had much money growing up, so I was not spoiled with "things," but instead spoiled with love and acts of love. I never knew how to do laundry until I went away to college, I never had to clean my room too much, I never had to cook for myself, but my mom did teach us how to cook. My mom did so much for me during my childhood and she never seemed to be tired, but I know she had to have been exhausted at the end of every day. I love watching my mom interact with people, she never meets a stranger and my mom would seriously give you the shirt off of her back, I have seen her do this. I am able to talk to my mom all day while I am at work and I often call and talk to Thomas. I wish I didn't have to work, but I do. I find comfort knowing my son is in the arms of someone I fully trust. She always respects my wishes and does what I ask, even if she doesn't agree with my philosophy. I hope to be just like her someday. I would love to care for Thomas' children someday. I love it when someone tells me that I remind them of my mother. I wish I could repay my mother for all that she has done for me, she is who I want when I am sick. She knows how to care for me like no one else, I hope to be like this for Thomas. If I do die, I want my mom to still care for Thomas and teach him all about me and what I was like, she is the one that knows all my stories.
The things I love the most about being a mom to Thomas, are the looks I get when I come home after a long day at work. His smile can melt away any feelings of sadness I might have had before. I can feel my soul being lifted just from his smile, and then he will reach his arms out for me and my heart goes straight to mush. These moments are gifts, I treasure each of these times! These moments make up for all the hard times when kids are teenagers, my bank is full of love deposits from Thomas right now. We still snuggle every night, and I could care less what anyone has to say about Thomas sleeping with us, I feel like I am spending every bit of time I can with him when I have him next to me all night. I can feel him breathing, see him breathing, feel his warmth all night and he loves to cuddle too. My son wakes up happy like I do, once I am up, I am ready to go! Thomas wakes up smiling and talking! I enjoy the mornings with him so much. He makes it hard to want to leave the house. I love watching him play and try to figure out how things work. He is very curious. I love watching him go to other people and interact with them. I want him to love people the way I do, people are good you know. I want him to brighten up other people's days the way he brightens mine. My mom has always called me "her little sunshine," and now I understand what she means. Thomas is my sunshine, he makes me so happy, he makes waking up each day a gift. I know my time could be limited on this earth, so I want to spend as much time with him as possible. I'm so glad that he loves to go out and about, I can take this kid anywhere and he acts wonderful. I don't know how anyone can have a baby and not believe in God, you know instantly that God exists when you look at your baby for the first time. There is no way that we were an accident of cells merging or evolution, give me a break, God made us, He is the only one that could make a baby so perfect, and He thought of everything! I have no idea how Mary watched as her baby hung on that cross, I can't wait to bump into her in heaven and find out how a mother could be that selfless and strong, I am afraid I would have pulled Thomas off of that cross. You see, I still have a long way to go in my walk with Christ, but I desire to be this selfless someday.
In two days, November 8, 2011, it will be two years since the birth of Benjamin and Jacob. I made sure to be off of work that day, so I can go to the cemetery in the morning and sing my babies "Happy Birthday." Please pray for me, as this is a hard day for me, and Thomas will never know how much he helps me get through these hard days. It is hard for me to remember that girl that existed on November 7, 2009. I used to want to go back and be that girl again, but I see now that God has His own unique plan for me, I only wish I could see how it all will turn out.