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Monday, October 1, 2012

What a Difference a Year Makes

  We just celebrated Thomas' second Birthday and I have to tell you that this year, everything was so different for me. Last year, I had in the back of my mind that this might be my only party with my precious son. This year, I couldn't contain my excitement and joy when planning his party. I love seeing all my friends with and without children gathering to celebrate the best year ever. His first Birthday party had a barn/farm animal theme and I had photo invitations made at JCPenny's,and I HAD to have hay for the photo shoot. I went to a local feed store and asked to buy a couple of bales of hay. The owner said she didn't know me and apparently there was some sort of hay shortage last year due to the drought. I had no idea. I was not prepared for this lady to refuse me hay, so I just lost it. I had this picture in my head and I had to make it happen. I was honest and had told her I wanted it for my son's B-day photo shoot. She was caught off guard and asked my why I was so upset and I told her my dilemma. She ended up selling me the hay and I ended up taking it right back to her after the photo shoot. So, I guess I ended up "renting" the hay. At his party, he had to be in my sight or next to me the whole time last year. I was in such a state of fear and the unknown, what would my future hold?

This year, completely different for me. I still went all out with the theme of airplanes, but I was relaxed, I trusted that Thomas was OK running around like a crazy man and smiling all night. I visited with friends and family and just totally enjoyed it, enjoyed my son, enjoyed my life, enjoyed the sounds, the smells, the mistakes, the things I forgot, I soaked it all in. At the end of the night, as I was laying on the floor exhausted while wonderful friends (the Montoya's and Smiths) were probably sweeping floors and moving tables back into the appropriate Sunday School classrooms, my sweet, sweet son came and layed directly on top of me, kissed my lips, snuggled me, giggled, and then went back to playing with his friends. I had tears, tears of mommy bliss, this is what makes all the trials, training, and frustrations of rearing kids worth it. I would go through a hundred temper tantrums just for another show of love like that. There is no greater blessing than that of a child, any way you come to acquire a child, they are such a blessing. These feelings always make me reflect on two things: Did I do this to my parents, did I just love on them for no reason, did I look at them the way Thomas looks at me? Did I make them feel the way Thomas makes me feel?, and I always think about how I view other people. I get convicted quite often. Do I judge someone that gets pregnant out of wedlock, or someone that isn't financially ready for a baby that gets pregnant anyway? To be honest, I often come back to my beautiful niece Karina. I mean, I can't imagine my life, or anyone in my familys' life without her. My sister wasn't married and Karina was half African American, but she was ours and she was perfect. I remember how her birth healed so many wounds. So many things had been said that were so ugly and nasty to my sister, but I was there, I saw the way my sister looked at her baby, it was all well worth it. I learned something important at a young age, IT IS NEVER THE BABY'S FAULT. I never understand  how people can not want a baby in this world. They are all such gifts. All the anger and hatefulness that had plagued my sister's pregnancy was suddenly gone without a trace, once people layed their eyes on Karina.

     One other thing I have learned since having a child. As most of you know, I used to be a teacher. So many times during parent/teacher conferences, a parent would ask me, "Do you have children?" This would always infuriate me and I would say something stupid about my degree, blah, blah, blah.  Well, I was reflecting the other day and realized what those parents meant, I understand now. They were really saying, "This is my baby, the thing I love more than anything, I would do anything for him, are you doing everything for him, are you treating him the way I would treat him? It is a love like no other. I posted on my Facebook account that loving Thomas has brought me closer to God, He had to love me so much to let His only son, Jesus die on the cross for me. It is so humbling. I kinda giggle now that I have friends that are expecting for the first time and they talk about how their life isn't going to change that much after the baby arrives. I laugh at myself because I used to be that person. But, there is no way your life won't change because you learn what love really is, there is no way anyone can explain this love to you, it is simply amazing.

     Thanks for reading! Still no word from my donor family as of yet, but I'm still praying and hoping that they contact me. I have a strong desire to meet them. I will keep you posted.