Tonight, Paul, Thomas, and I went to Dr. Rowe's house for a get-together. Paul attends a weekly Bible Study at his house, and tonight families were invited for food, fellowship, and a movie. Thomas had a blast playing in his pool and with the other kids. So many of the people there have lost babies, struggled to have babies, or had really difficult pregnancies, and he is still ministering to us. I enjoyed the video and talking with another woman there, who I have always found very easy to talk to. She is one of those people that you immediately know she is genuinely kind and she really cares. She recently had a miscarriage and I just wanted to scoop her up and hug her. We talked about adoption and stuff like that and then we eased right into talk about how hard it is to be around women that can get pregnant so easily and have simple, perfect pregnancies. It is not that we are mad or jealous, it just makes you start comparing yourself to them and you start becoming insecure. You start wondering what is different about them, why does God want me to go down this road? It always turns into soul-searching for me.
This brings us to the elephant in the room that I have been avoiding. YES, I desperately want another baby. Two of the greatest people I know are my brother and sister. I want Thomas to experience having a sibling and the bond that is created. I want him to have someone to play with all the time, I want him to have a little sibling to protect. I want more.
In the back of my head and probably in your thoughts right now, I know I am lucky to have Thomas and if God only wants us to have one, then I will have to accept it soon. I remember when Kelly Higgins brought my family dinner after my transplant, I asked her if she was going to have any more babies? She told me she couldn't have any more, but would love to. I remember thinking to myself that she had such a peace about it and seemed to trust God's plan. Not even a few months later, I saw on Facebook that she was pregnant. My heart filled with joy for her. I want to have that peace inside my soul too, but I am honestly not there yet.
Can I have a baby? Technically, Yes. I am currently being winged off my CellCept because this medication would kill my baby, but my doctor STRESSED that having another baby is super high risk, I could go into rejection, get really sick, lose the baby, have something wrong with the baby, or die. The last one got me. I have done everything in my power not to die. Sometimes, I feel like I have an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other taunting me. I wonder if I am supposed to just trust God and if I happen to get pregnant, it was His will, or am I supposed to take the information given to me and go the super safe route. Then I hear the little devil, "You could die tomorrow in a car accident, don't worry about it." You see, throughout all the things we have been thru, I have developed A LOT of faith, hope, trust, and strength. I think I am strong enough to do it, but when I look at Thomas, I can't imagine leaving him here without me.
What are our options? Adoption, maybe, we are both open to it. I am a little nervous about "open" adoptions and how they work, my only real comparison would come from the great reality show Teen Mom and how that adoption works. I think I would love to foster babies with the intent to adopt, but there are a lot of rules that come into play when you deal with the government, for instance, you can't spank your own biological child if you foster. I totally understand the reasoning behind not spanking the foster children, but I don't like that rule. It is not like Thomas gets very many spankings, but he has earned a few. He is pretty tender-hearted and just a raised voice usually works for him. We are lucky he is very obedient.
On to my favorite option..........surrogacy. One of my cousin's is a possible surrogate-to-be for us. I like this idea for a couple of reasons. This would give us a chance to possibly have multiples (twins) and I would love to have more than one more child. I used to dream of having 5 or 6 kids. Both of these options are extremely expensive, so having two babies in one shot saves money too! I have a long-time friend that recently went through this process and she is a real encouragement to me. She has helped guide me thru the process. I have spoken with a fertility doctor that does surrogacy and started pricing things.
As many of you know, my husband has started a lawn business. He is steadily mowing yards and saving that money for our future baby. I am so proud of him and all the hard work he is doing to try to make our dream of expanding our family come true. I would love if you would join me in prayer about this decision and prepare our hearts for whatever the future holds.
The whole reason I brought up Dr. Rowe was because at the end of the get-together, Dr. Rowe asked us to gather around a few people that were about to go on a mission trip so we could pray for them. After praying for them, he walked up to me and placed his hands on my shoulders. He prayed for me, he prayed about this very topic. He knew my heart was heavy for a baby. I never spoke a word about this and I haven't told too many people. I tell some people just because I hate when people ask me about having more babies. I truly long to carry another baby in my womb. When will the longing go away? I love that man, he truly is in tune with Christ. There is something amazing that happens when people pray for you and lay their hands on you, I could feel that he loved me. I kept thinking in my head, if I don't get pregnant, and we end up using surrogacy, Dr. Rowe will have to be the doctor! I finally got all of that off my chest. There is a struggle in my mind post-transplant because I am so grateful and I feel so blessed, so I hate to feel like I am ever griping or not super happy, but I have to be honest and this issue is so difficult for me. Thanks for reading!