About four weeks after the boys were born, I went back to work. I had to.I couldn't sit in an empty, silent, lonely house all day anymore. Would I be able to go and take care of other people's children? I didn't really know, but I did know I worked with the most amazing people in the world and I feel like they are my family. They were and still are so good to me, so compassionate, so loving, and extremely protective of me. I had a few breakdowns, patients would come in and ask how my babies were and I would just have to flee the room. One patient in particular had a father that is a minister and when I went in to do my assessment, he said, "I have seen that look you have in your eyes before, you have buried a child before haven't you?" How did this man know? Come to find out, he was a missionary in a country where lots of mothers have to bury their babies due to all different kinds of factors. He said my eyes were hollow, strange how someone I did not know could see my pain, but some of the people closest to me didn't see it, or maybe they just didn't mention it. I ended up pouring my heart out to this man and telling him just how I felt about God at the moment. I now know that God put him in my life at exactly the right time. He comforted me, told me he would pray for me, and he encouraged me. When I left the room, I had an epiphany! For the first time in my relationship with Christ, I was truly treating him like my father. I was raw and open with Him. I talked to Him so much more now, I needed Him so much more now, I was finally being REAL with Christ. You know what? God still loves me unconditionally just like my own dad does. He never left me, He never abandoned me, He still had blessings in store for me. I had no idea how wonderful my life would soon be.
In the time between the twins death and the beginning of March, lots of things were going on. We kept getting lots of bills and I hate debt, I hate bill collectors, and I had to put a stop to it. So, I got a second full time job working with that wonderful cousin of mine, Karen. She works at Ben Taub in the Emergency Room, which was kinda my dream job too. I was still working at Shriners full time too, so I was working twelve 12-hour shifts in a row with a day and a half off and then I would start it all over again. It was only a day and a half off because I would have to switch from days to nights or vice versa. This schedule probably would have killed me if I kept it up too long, but I was able to pay a lot of debt off this way. I worked this schedule for about a month and I truly loved my time at Ben Taub, I learned a lot and I got to see my cousin even more, and with her, I always felt safe, she always protected me without me having to ask. She simply understood, she got it. Well, in the middle of the night on our second wedding anniversary, I woke-up at 2am and I just had a gut feeling that I was pregnant, I can't really explain it. I got up, drove to Walgreens and bought a test, no, more like 5 tests. I came home and peed and like magic, two lines appeared. I felt it again, it was joy in my heart, but this time there was something else with it, FEAR. Oh my goodness, every bad scenario imaginable popped into my head. I woke Paul up and I cried and showed him all the tests. I was pregnant! God still loved me, He is giving me another chance. Now, in these wee hours, we had to call someone, so we called Dr. Rowe! He told me he was excited, but nervous and I needed to come in the next day for an appt, so I did just that. Then, I heard it, I heard Thomas' heartbeat. Paul told him about my crazy work schedule and he ordered me to quit the Ben Taub job due to the stress it would put on my body because it was so demanding. I never like quitting anything, but I would do absolutely anything for my baby, ANYTHING. It looked like I was already about 6-7 weeks along, so I had a long ways to go. I didn't tell everyone this time, no facebook posts with ultrasound pics, no flowers sent to our parents, nothing. It had to be this way. Of the people I told, I told them not to buy anything and give it to me. They could buy something and store it, but I didn't want anything until my baby was here, in my arms, breathing on his own, moving, crying, pooping, peeing, all of it. This would be different. I had learned that there are no guarantees in this life. I never tell people that everything will be okay because sometimes it is not okay. I left out one part, during the time between the death of my boys and my new pregnancy, Dr. Rowe kept in touch with me, he would text me and say that he was praying for me at random times and he would tell me that he knew I would have a baby. I love this man. I can't describe it, but when you endure something so tragic with someone, you are bonded. With my new liver doctor on board, this pregnancy was indeed a lot different. Until the day Thomas was born, I had been extremely tense inside. I couldn't seem to relax. I could still see Ben and Jacob's faces when I closed my eyes. I would see Dr. Rowe once a month for a couple of months, then twice a month for a couple of months, then every week, then twice a week. I never had to wait in the waiting room, Kim always had me come right back. She would share with me and I would share with her. She always made me feel special, and she treated me so good. I had a lot of anxiety. I needed to hear Thomas' heartbeat everyday. When I was at work, I could listen with our doppler at work, but when I had to be put on bedrest, she went and got a doppler and told me I could take it home. She seemed to go above and beyond every day for me. She would give me my lab results in record time. She comforted me when I had to go on insulin as my steroids had to be increased in an attempt to help my body make more platelets. I ate perfect during the pregnancy. I monitored everything that went into my body, I made sure the water temperature for every bath was okay, I talked to Thomas non-stop, I treasured every day that I was able to carry him in my womb. He was healing my broken womb. When we found out he was indeed a boy, we started discussing names. Paul's grandfather's name was Thomas, he has an amazing, Godly uncle Thomas, and then there was Dr. Thomas Rowe. When we told Dr. Rowe we were naming him Thomas, I said, "If my Thomas loves the Lord just a smidgen of how much you love the Lord, then I would have a wonderful, God-fearing son." I will always take Thomas up to see Dr. Rowe as he grows, I want him to know men like Dr. Rowe, I want him to be so in love with Christ that it comes out in all that he does. Dr. Rowe is like that, he prayed with me at my appts, before my surgeries, and I know he prayed for me when I wasn't even around. If anyone ever needs a high risk maternal fetal doctor, then I highly recommend this man. I could go on for days about his greatness. His entire staff is amazing, thoughtful, hard-working, compassionate, and just plain wonderful. I actually looked forward to every single appointment with him and his team.
Okay, I'm getting to the good part, but it will have to wait. I am sleepy and I want to give the next blog my best. Afterall, this would be the best day of my life, I would be renewed, refreshed, I would rejoice again, I would feel God, really feel Him.