Since I had some time off, I have spent a lot of time doing some self-reflecting. Something I have always hated is GUILT TRIPS. They are the worst kind of trip. My whole life, I have been put on guilt trips or people try to make me feel guilty. I have also been the engineer of a few guilt trips myself. I have quit cold-turkey, I don't want someone to do something for me out of guilt and I don't want to do stuff for others out of guilt. I want to do it out of joy, necessity, desire, etc.. I put Paul on the most guilt trips. I try to get him to feel bad enough to do something I want. Well, I used to, like three weeks ago. I have found that he does more of what I need out of his own desire. I also do not want to let myself get stuck doing stuff I don't want to do out of guilt. I am tired of it. I want to live in such a way that if I miss the dinner, you know the one, "it could be his last birthday dinner," that I can live with myself knowing that every day of my life I treated that person wonderful and it didn't come down to one last meal. How morbid anyways. I don't want to do what I have always done for holiday out of guilt. Here is a news flash, the guilt ruins the experience and leads to resentment. So, if you are guilty of putting people on guilt trips, then you need to stop. You can do it, and if you revert back to your old ways, you can keep trying to stop this behavior.
My second flaw is, I can't believe I am going to admit this, but sometimes I am a bit of a control freak. I feel like a load was just lifted off of my shoulders in that last sentence. I mean, does it really matter in the grand scheme of things if one dish is not placed correctly in the dish washer, or if the towels aren't turned the right way in the cabinet? I should be thankful that someone helped me out and put the dirty dishes in the washer or put my stuff away. Being controlling leads to me doing everything by myself because I won't let anyone do it because they might not do it my way. How dare them? When I think about all the stuff I have obsessed about like the shower curtain, dirty clothes piles, the way someone washes their hands, etc.. it makes me feel silly. NONE of this crap matters to Jesus. He is not going to ask Paul why he never closes the shower curtain. All these little things I want to control take my focus off of Christ, and that is why I am doing better. I am recognizing what are the small things and letting them go. I am learning to trust, especially when it comes to trusting my medical team. They do know more than me and I have to trust them to care for me.
I guess you can see that I am a work in progress, but the progress is the keyword. I don't want to regress. I want to be the type of person that my son is proud of and I want to be pleasing in the sight of the Lord.