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Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Overwhelmed

     On Chirstmas morning, I had a "moment." I never know when these moments will come, but it hit me hard on Christmas morning. I was exhausted from all of the family events we had to go to on Friday and Saturday for Paul's side of our family. I guess I have gotten too good at masking my exhaustion and I think soon I will have to start saying "no," and I have to not care if it hurts any feelings. I know I need rest, my doctor constantly tells me to slow down. I need to be a better patient and take some time to relax. I just desire to be the best mom, wife, nurse, daughter, sister, aunt, neighbor, the list goes on. A long time ago, Paul bought me a book called "The Art of Saying NO," I will have to dig it out of some box and read it.
     Anyways, on Christmas Eve, we went to our church's candlelight service and I knew Thomas would not be too cooperative since he did not have a proper nap, he had been going nonstop for the past two days, and he has been very sick with lots of breathing treatments, steroids, fevers, etc..  At the service, he threw a fit and cried, and cried, and cried, and cried some more, until enough was enough. He threw-up twice from his crying and gagging on his congestion, so Paul and I decided to leave. Thomas hugged me so tight and clung to me like he was saying THANK YOU! He needed to be home. We got home and he passed out and went to sleep. Paul and I started getting his three presents out and putting them together. His little playhouse came without any of the screws needed to put it together and it was too late to go to a store, so Paul found stuff out in his tool box to work for the time being and he went to Toys R Us today to get the screws. Before my diagnosis, this "little" detail of the missing screws would have made me so mad, but I guess I'm not sweating the small stuff anymore. Instead, this little detail made me proud of my husband for rigging it together. Thomas LOVED his playhouse, his little kitchen, and his sleeping bag that has his name embroidered on it.
      My moment of feeling overwhelmed occurred early Christmas morning when Thomas rolled over from sleeping on his tummy and looked directly into my eyes. He smiled so big, then put his hand around my arm and snuggled in close, all the time, he was staring at me and I could see that he loves me. I am tearing-up now just thinking about it. I never knew a love like this before. I hope he knows how much I love him and that his arrival renewed my spirit. I can't describe it, but I just sobbed, I had to get up and snuggle Thomas in the living room because I didn't want to wake Paul up with my snotty crying. They were tears of joy, tears of gratefulness, tears of grief, and tears of fear. The only fear I have is not being able to raise my son. It scares me to my core, and this alone makes me want to scream at God and tell Him, YOU HAVE TO SAVE ME! I know I can't change God's plans, but I pray that HE will heal me. I need this.
    Speaking of praying, I haven't been able to pray out loud in a long time. Paul asked me to at lunch yesterday before we ate and I tried. I ended up crying and then I get all embarrassed because so many people are around. I have never had such uncontrollable emotions like this before. I feel so fragile, when I have always felt strong. I am positive in my attitude about life, but I learned from the twins passing that nothing in this life is gauranteed. I want to feel like everything I do won't be my last. This is not my last Christmas, last New Year's, last Birthday, last wedding anniversary, last Mother's Day, etc.. I want to go to sleep at night with my phone far away from me. I keep it close because every single time my phone rings, I secretly hope it is a liver. Please God, let me get a liver soon.
  Quick medical update: I will be admitted this Thursday, December 29 to St. Luke's for my next TACE procedure at 0800. I have to stay the night, but hopefully I will be out by Friday morning and on my way to celebrate my beautiful sister's 40th Birthday. I love her so much!!!! Prayers for my procedure would be wonderful. I love you guys and thanks for reading.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

A Super Overdue Catch-You-Up-To-Date Blog

Okay, I am sorry it has been so long since I have blogged, but I have been a busy bee lately. I keep thinking that if this is my last Christmas, I want it to be the BEST one ever, but I know I shouldn't think that way. The last time I blogged, my car was still in the shop from the October 5 wreck. Well, I was originally told that it would be close to $10,000 to fix and 19 days in the shop. Well, 8 weeks and 1 day later and $16000 later, my car was "fixed". Paul went to pick-up my beloved FJ. When Paul went to start the car, it didn't start. So, they ran to the automotive store and bought us a new battery and installed it. Then, Paul drove the car and told them the brakes felt loose, but they assured him it was all okay. I drove it the next day and called and repeated that my car's brakes were not working. We made an appt to return the car to be properly fixed on Sunday, when Paul would be out of school and able to take me to work each day. Unfortunately, my car didn't make it to Sunday. On Tuesday, I was leaving work and I backed out of my parking space and suddenly lost all brakes. I hit a doctor's car that I work with. Luckily, this doctor is very kind and understanding. Both of our cars had to be towed and I had finally reached my limit on all this car drama. It was so scary, and the scariest part of the whole ordeal was that in 1.5 miles, I would have been on the freeway where I could have killed an innocent family, myself, or what if Thomas had been in the car with me? The engineer found that the person who "fixed" my brakes "forgot" to put in a locking pin that connects my brake pedal to the whole brake system. Needless to say, the comparison was made that it was like a bomb ticking and like driving around on tires with no lugnuts. So, they totaled my car and we are now in the process of looking for a new used minivan!! I am so thankful that no one was injured. 
     Thomas was in his first Christmas program where he sat in a cute buggie and looked handsome while the older kids sang Christmas songs, it was so sweet. I love him so. 
     I have recently found a group of girls that I LOVE hanging out with at church, and most of them attend a group called MOPS, so I plan on going to these MOPS meetings when I can from now on. I have such a good time everytime I hang out with these girls, it feels like I have known them forever. It is nice to have a common bond of Jesus in our lives.
     I am finding out how much my husband really does love me lately. I have to admit that sometimes it is easier to joke about him or tell funny stories about him because he does some pretty funny stuff. But, here lately, he is so focused on the upcoming Volleyball Tournament Fundraiser that is makes me see how much he cares. He is working very hard and he is so passionate about everything. I know it will be a great success because he is giving his all! I am proud of him. 
     One other wonderful thing Paul did for me this month made my heart very happy. He went to my MEND support group that helps me with the loss of the twins. I have always wanted him to come with me and he even opened up and talked about things that I have needed to hear for so long. Then, this other woman started talking about her wonderful doctor, and you guessed it, she was talking about my Dr. Rowe. We spent some time telling everyone about our experiences praying with Dr. Rowe, crying with him, laughing with him, and we loved how all the rooms were private and each room had a bed for the husband to sleep in too.
     We started teaching 11th grade Sunday School this year and I absolutely love it. I am blessed every week by the wonderful teenagers at our church. I find myself really looking forward to spending time with them and seeing them each week.
     Okay, now to my doctor's appt. I hate this part. Last Friday, I had a CT scan, MRI, and labwork done. Today, I received those results. I now have three tumors (If I get any more, I am off the list, scary), they have not shrunk like they were supposed to (imagine that, I have something feisty in me), and my blood sugar was really elevated. So, they will call me tomorrow with a date for my next TACE procedure, and I have to go to a doctor about my blood sugar. I am nervous because I found the TransArterialChemotherapyEmbolism procedure painful last time and I was extremely nauseated last time. If you know me, you know I HATE to vomit, I feel like I am never going to be able to breath again, but I was thinking about a friend I have that faces physical struggles everyday as she was born without arms or legs, and I suddenly realize that I have so much to be thankful for, you INSPIRE me Ana.
     I cannot wait for Christmas! We talked about it and every year, we are only going to buy Thomas 3 gifts, we figure if 3 was enough for Jesus, then 3 is enough for Thomas! Some friends of ours do this and we both really liked this idea when we heard it.  I love my son so much!
    A huge PRAISE!! I have blogged about my friend Misty before that struggled with infertility for a long time!  Guess what? She and her husband adopted a baby a couple of weeks ago and my heart fills up with joy for her everytime she crosses my mind. I plan on meeting him really soon, but Thomas has been sick for the last couple of weeks, so I am trying to wait on him to get better because I do not want to bring any germs to little precious Levi.
     I found my post-twins journal and plan on sharing some entries from it soon, if I can muster up the strength. It is scary to let people into the dark places in your life, but I think it would help people to understand what a woman feels like after a loss of a baby.