On Chirstmas morning, I had a "moment." I never know when these moments will come, but it hit me hard on Christmas morning. I was exhausted from all of the family events we had to go to on Friday and Saturday for Paul's side of our family. I guess I have gotten too good at masking my exhaustion and I think soon I will have to start saying "no," and I have to not care if it hurts any feelings. I know I need rest, my doctor constantly tells me to slow down. I need to be a better patient and take some time to relax. I just desire to be the best mom, wife, nurse, daughter, sister, aunt, neighbor, the list goes on. A long time ago, Paul bought me a book called "The Art of Saying NO," I will have to dig it out of some box and read it.
Anyways, on Christmas Eve, we went to our church's candlelight service and I knew Thomas would not be too cooperative since he did not have a proper nap, he had been going nonstop for the past two days, and he has been very sick with lots of breathing treatments, steroids, fevers, etc.. At the service, he threw a fit and cried, and cried, and cried, and cried some more, until enough was enough. He threw-up twice from his crying and gagging on his congestion, so Paul and I decided to leave. Thomas hugged me so tight and clung to me like he was saying THANK YOU! He needed to be home. We got home and he passed out and went to sleep. Paul and I started getting his three presents out and putting them together. His little playhouse came without any of the screws needed to put it together and it was too late to go to a store, so Paul found stuff out in his tool box to work for the time being and he went to Toys R Us today to get the screws. Before my diagnosis, this "little" detail of the missing screws would have made me so mad, but I guess I'm not sweating the small stuff anymore. Instead, this little detail made me proud of my husband for rigging it together. Thomas LOVED his playhouse, his little kitchen, and his sleeping bag that has his name embroidered on it.
My moment of feeling overwhelmed occurred early Christmas morning when Thomas rolled over from sleeping on his tummy and looked directly into my eyes. He smiled so big, then put his hand around my arm and snuggled in close, all the time, he was staring at me and I could see that he loves me. I am tearing-up now just thinking about it. I never knew a love like this before. I hope he knows how much I love him and that his arrival renewed my spirit. I can't describe it, but I just sobbed, I had to get up and snuggle Thomas in the living room because I didn't want to wake Paul up with my snotty crying. They were tears of joy, tears of gratefulness, tears of grief, and tears of fear. The only fear I have is not being able to raise my son. It scares me to my core, and this alone makes me want to scream at God and tell Him, YOU HAVE TO SAVE ME! I know I can't change God's plans, but I pray that HE will heal me. I need this.
Speaking of praying, I haven't been able to pray out loud in a long time. Paul asked me to at lunch yesterday before we ate and I tried. I ended up crying and then I get all embarrassed because so many people are around. I have never had such uncontrollable emotions like this before. I feel so fragile, when I have always felt strong. I am positive in my attitude about life, but I learned from the twins passing that nothing in this life is gauranteed. I want to feel like everything I do won't be my last. This is not my last Christmas, last New Year's, last Birthday, last wedding anniversary, last Mother's Day, etc.. I want to go to sleep at night with my phone far away from me. I keep it close because every single time my phone rings, I secretly hope it is a liver. Please God, let me get a liver soon.
Quick medical update: I will be admitted this Thursday, December 29 to St. Luke's for my next TACE procedure at 0800. I have to stay the night, but hopefully I will be out by Friday morning and on my way to celebrate my beautiful sister's 40th Birthday. I love her so much!!!! Prayers for my procedure would be wonderful. I love you guys and thanks for reading.