Life is a Journey

What a Week

2012-03-05T19:41:00.000-08:00

     It feels so good to have been HOME for a whole week. Of course, I know this is just my temporary home. I have been blessed by so many people this past week. We have enjoyed so many delicious meals prepared with love by our friends and family. Paul joked tonight how nice it would be if this lasted the rest of our lives! I actually can't wait until I can cook for my family again. I will be learning how to cook a whole new type of meals. I am now eating a diabetic, low-sodium diet. For the first time in my life, it is not hard to make the right choices when it comes to food. I told my doctor, this liver will only experience healthy food or food in moderation. People can bring all kinds of food, desserts, donuts, you name it, and I am not in the least bit tempted to partake. I mean, I have no intentions of ruining or hurting the most selfless gift I have ever received. Priorities are very different these days.

     Last Tuesday, I went in to clinic for lab work and the only bad part of this is the car ride. I might write the city of Houston about fixing all the bumps and potholes on Main St in the medical center. The main problem I have had is constant, persistent diarrhea. I literally start to cry when I have to go to the bathroom again, it is quite painful. They think this is a side effect of some of my meds, mainly magnesium. My labs showed low magnesium, so they even just went up on my dose of medication. I have lost 18 pounds so far and hope to continue in my weight loss journey. My coordinator reminds me that this is not my goal right now and I realize that. I am taking lots of steroids as well, which is contributing to my blood glucose levels. I am taking quite a bit of insulin at the moment, but I hope this will change soon. I am eating exactly how I have been instructed. Tuesday evening, my friend Kim Artall came by for a visit and brought a beautiful cookie bouquet. I enjoyed catching-up with Kim and having a time of normalcy, it makes my heart so happy every time I get to spend time with my longtime friend. I also received the most delicious cake balls decorated like little doctors, nurses, medicine, and medical supplies from the pharmacy department at the Galveston Shriners Hospital. It is so nice to have worked with such wonderful people.

     Last Wednesday was the only weekday that I didn't have to go into the clinic. So, I took it easy for most of the day, except for my daily exercise, I went to Target with Karen. We were only there for about 30 minutes, but it felt so good to get out of the house. The best part was feeling like a wife and mother again. I cannot hold Thomas or pick him up, or change his diapers, but I was able to shop for him and buy him food. It is the little things that I am able to do that make my heart happy. Wednesday night, my Aunt Tricia and Uncle Booley brought us dinner that was yummy and so appreciated. I think this is the same day that my good friend Katie Jones Weisen also came by and brought so much stuff, paper towels, gloves, glucometer, bleach wipes, gift card to Target, and the list goes on. She never ceased to amaze me because she is also a busy single mom of a cutie named Jackson. She works full-time and goes to school. She has a heart of gold and she came into my life after the twins died as a steady source of strength for me. She is a widow and was able to help me with my grieving process and I could freely express myself to her without her casting any judgement onto my life.

    Thursday was a busy day. It started with more blood work and an appt with my doctor. Dr. Goss is extremely handsome, confident, kind, brilliant, and his life is a true sacrifice. He and his partner Dr. O'Mahony never do a transplant surgery without each other, one of them always harvest the donor organ, and they are phenomenal. All of this also means that they don't go out of town much, they sacrifice time with their families, and they are literally on-call all the time. It amazes me that people like this exist. It inspires me to give more of myself like they do. I told him how much I appreciate him and what he does, he strives to be the best as well, but I have to be honest and tell you that the fact that I received no blood transfusions during my surgery is a true testament to his skill level. My incision is not healing great, but we are on the right track. We changed the dose of my insulin, I asked a ton of questions, and I asked about my donor. My coordinator said that that information was under lock and key and she did not check it before my appt so she would try to let me know next time. I really want to know more about this person. Before the doctor came into to visit me, this really sweet woman came into my room and introduced herself, it was Tamara, the sweetest voice I have ever heard. She also has a very sweet spirit about her. We hugged for a long time and I just cried. It felt so good to meet her. It is like we have some sort of unspoken bond now. The appt wore me out a bit and when we got home, I ended up resting a lot. They told me I could take this crazy binder off of my abdomen when I lay down, so I couldn't wait to get a break from the binder. I was resting in bed when the best jumping jacker I know Barbara Gillies came over with a scrumptious dinner. Her husband is a very lucky man. She is such a funny lady. When she came by to visit, she said, "I prayed over my utensils tonight just for you." Barbara is one of those people that is good at everything she does. She helped us with several fundraisers, she has steadily prayed for me, and she is a regular at the boot camp. My goal is to someday be able to beat Barbara at workout. Barbara has been nothing but a blessing to me since the moment I met her.

     Friday was really busy because I had to go to the med center for labs in the morning and I had to return for an abdominal ultrasound in the afternoon due to my billirubin levels being elevated. After the 8am labs, I returned to Pasadena and went to my MOPS class at church. I love fellowshiping with these other moms, it is so good to find out I am not crazy and that other women think just like me. To be honest, there is no where else I would rather be than at church. After MOPS, we went home and I rested before my ultrasound. I had to be NPO from all foods the whole day and this is where I became frustrated because my blood sugar was still elevated, after eating no food. It just blows my mind how the medications I take make my blood sugar go so crazy. Karen took me to my ultrasound at 2:30 and I was worried it was going to hurt, but the lady doing my ultrasound was very kind and gentle. I had to remove my dressing and Karen redressed it afterwards and we headed home. I always look forward to my time with Karen, she is just so full of utter goodness. She lives her life to help others.

     On Saturday, my Aunt Kay came to take care of me while my mom went to watch Karina's dance competition. For the first 30 days post transplant, we have to have two adults here all the time, one designated to take care of me and one designated to care for Thomas. It was nice to spend time with Kay and I was able to thank her for having Karen and for raising her right. I want so bad for all of Karen's dreams to come true, she deserves all the happiness in the world. In the afternoon, my good friend Kelly Brautigam came to care for me. I always tell people that if I need a nurse, I want it to be Kelly because she is extremely thorough and follows orders to the T. It was great to visit with her and she went to get Chilis for dinner. I had a blast catching up with her and hearing all about work stuff. I love the people I work with, they are some of the finest people I have ever known. I went to bed a little early Saturday night because I wanted to get adequate rest before church. I have a new excitement about going to church. I can't explain it, but I want to be in God's presence all the time and I want to be around other people that know my Jesus, my miracle-giver, my prayer answerer. I want all to know Him.

    Sunday, we were a little late to church, but a lot of that is due to things I can't control, like diarrhea:( It was great to hear the sermon and sing songs to my Saviour. I was able to talk to so many people and it was touching to see how many people are filled with joy from God answering our prayer. I want to go and personally thank those that prayed for me. When I am released to drive and travel more, please let me know if your Sunday School class or Bible Study Group has been praying for me, I would love to come in person to say thank you. I hope to prepare a PowerPoint of my journey and share my testimony every chance I may get. Thomas went over to my cousin Deborah's house Sunday evening and he had a blast playing with her two boys. He was so excited to get to go somewhere, he is very outgoing, which I am glad about. Speaking of Thomas, for the past six and a half months I have been extremely protective of my time with Thomas, I wanted pictures of everything, and I wanted to always be around him. I guess because if I was going to die, I wanted him to have some pictures and memories of me. I needed to be around him as much as possible. I can already feel my heart allowing me to be more relaxed about this issue. I know I still have issues from losing babies, like I don't ever want to spend the night away from him, the nights I spent in the hospital are enough for my lifetime. I want to always be in the same city as him, I don't know if I will ever be able to let him go to camp and be in a different city at night where I can't get to him immediately if something happens. I just love him so much. He is happy nearly all the time and his smile simply melts my heart. I can't wait until I can pick him up again. It is so hard when he is reaching for me and crying and I am only able to pat his cute little head. In time, this will pass and in the big picture, this is a small sacrifice compared to the sacrifice my donor made. I just love him so much. Thomas loves me unconditionally, I am sure of this and I will love him unconditionally all the days of my life. I pray he comes to know the Lord and that we will spend eternity in heaven together. Sunday dinner was brought to us by Peggy and Wayne Tabor and it was barbecue beef, which is one of Paul's favorites, it was extremely enjoyable. Thanks Peggy, the visit was even better than the food, I love you much.

     In the wee morning hours Sunday morning, my dad was taken by ambulance to the hospital for what people at work thought was a heart attack. It ended up being an extremely high fever and white count. My sister met him up at the hospital and he is still an inpatient tonight. They are running a bunch of tests to see where the infection is coming from. This has added a little stress to our whole daily routine, but nothing we can't handle. Please say a little prayer for my dad if you get the chance.

    Today, Monday, we went back for more blood work at 0800 and I received a call from my coordinator. They had drawn blood cultures and collected urine cultures on Friday due to my elevated billirubin as well. It turns out, I have a UTI (urinary tract infection). So, one more medication to add to the list for ten days to treat this. At my 9am medication administration, I take 29, that is right 29 different pills. It is overwhelming to get meds ready every week, but I know the number of meds will go down after 3 months and then again in a year. Paul and I were able to stop at Cavenders on the way home to pick-up Thomas a shirt for Western Wear Day at his Mother's Day Out class. When we got home, my friend Amy Suffron came by for a much needed visit and girl time. She stayed with me while Paul went to pick-up Thomas from school. I took a cat nap and called Verizon, because if you remember my previous post about my bad Verizon experience, I received my bill today for $600, of course all of it was bogus and a huge mistake, but I spent quite a while on the phone getting it all fixed. It should be fixed by tomorrow. Dinner was served by my sweet cousins, Deborah and Henry. It was also very tasty and it was nice to get to visit with Deb for a bit. Thanks again for reading, loving, caring, and encouraging. You guys are amazing and all I can say is that daily I am lucky enough to feel God's love and blessings in my life.

A Whole New Lease

2012-02-28T16:38:00.000-08:00

      I have no words to correctly express my emotions. A few would be honored, new responsibility, new attitude, new hope, new-found gratitude, how do I accept such a selfless act, where does my life go from here? I could keep going on and on, but I will tell you about the night we got the call.
     Of all things, I was making lunches. I guess I am a true mom and wife. At 11pm Tuesday night, I finished catching up on my Dance Moms DVR shows, I made sure our work-out clothes were in the dryer so they would be ready for bootcamp, and then I walked into the kitchen and started making lunches. I heard my phone ring, no one calls me this late, so I sprinted to my phone. It said BLOCKED call, I have only received these type of calls from my doctors in the past, so I knew something was up. I heard the sweetest voice I had ever heard, it was Tamara, the on-call coordinator. She said who she was and I said, "Oh My God, this is it, Oh my God, you have a liver for me," followed by lots of tears. Tamara said that this is her favorite part of the job and that I needed to go to the ER at St. Luke's for further information. I was waking Paul up at the same time I was on the phone and I asked if I could take a shower. She said it better be quick. Paul hopped up and said that he needed to take a shower too. We enjoy being clean. Paul jumped into the shower and I called my mom! My mom, the one who can't look at me without crying, the one who whispers in my ear how she wishes it was her with cancer instead of me, my mother, the one who taught me how to love, live, laugh, enjoy, cherish, I finally got to call and give her GOOD NEWS. I called my sister and Karen and Aunt Tricia. I had no way of calling John, but my parents did. I sent out a bunch of texts, I cried continuously, I thanked God for every single prayer lifted-up for me these past 7 months, I held Thomas tight, I cried some more, I gasped for air, I laid my life in God's hands, literally. I know how risky this surgery is, there is a risk I might not ever wake-up again, but I had to trust in the Lord with ALL of my heart, no half effort here people. I told Paul and Thomas how much I loved them the whole way up to the hospital. I prayed out loud, cried out, I was at a loss for what to do. We get to the ER and a lady asked me what I needed. I said, "I'm getting a new liver and they told me to check-in here." Wow, I mean how many times in my life will I ever get to say something like that? The lady smiled and took me into a room to sign all my paperwork. I was grinning from ear to ear the entire time. I was sent up to a room and now, my parents, Karen, my sister Tricia, and Heather Schumaker had arrived too. The nurses and staff never said a word about Thomas being there. Thomas stayed awake all night until 0525. He didn't want to miss a thing and I wanted to spend every minute possible with him as well. Soon, Paul's parents arrived too. My cousin Kea Lynn came by, my parent's pastor Rob came by, Blair came by, Paul's sister Mary and husband Todd, Andrea Jewell, Wanda Webber, John and Stefanie Bennett, Deborah and Henry, Kea Lynn came again later with her two boys and husband Tony, Neill, Dr. Rowe, my Pawpaw, Tricia and Booley Hammack, my Aunt Kay and my Aunt Kim all came too. I mean, how lucky am I that so many people came by to hug my neck and tell me that they loved me. I hope I didn't leave anyone out. After getting up to the hospital, I had to wait 24 hours before my liver arrived. So, it was so nice to have a steady stream of visitors come by to pray with me, share with me, and help ease my nerves.
     So, I don't know if any of you reading have had a "moment" with Jesus, but I had a few. I mean, what do you say to your Maker at a time like this? The coordinator called back to say that my surgery would be at 0200 or 0215 Thursday morning, February 23, 2012, my NEW DAY. Wheeling me back, Thomas stayed asleep on my chest, this whole process at St. Luke's put the patient first, my baby was in my arms up until we reached the double doors of the operating room. My entire family was by my side and able to hug my neck and kiss me, oh, I hoped I would kiss them again. The sweet nursing assistant rolled me to the room and I could see my doctors. We waited outside while the anesthesia people explained all the lines they would be putting in my body, I signed some papers, I cried, I prayed, I started succombing to fear. The nursing assistant said a prayer with me and wheeled me into the room. I transferred onto the operating room table, and then a person walked in with my liver in the most beautiful turquoise blue cooler I have ever seen. There was my new chance, my answered prayer, my gift, my ability to raise my son, my testimony, my LIVER. I started thinking, "I can't do this, I can't do this, I don't deserve this, I don't deserve this, it is going to hurt, it is going to hurt, I want off this table, help me, stop this, get me off this roller coaster." My anesthesiologist must have noticed the increase in my heart rate and put a mask over my face and told me to start breathing in big breaths, 6 breaths later, I was out like a light. I was exposed, naked from skin to soul, helpless, but hopeful. God, thank you for everything, that was my last thought, thank you.
     So, if you talked to me at all before the surgery, I probably told you how I DID NOT want to remain intubated post surgery. Well, I got my way,  in the ICU, I could hear my mom and Paul right after I came out of surgery. I was restrained and that tube was gagging me. My mom said I was giving all the staff really hateful looks and I asked to write something. I was thrashing around and pounding my fists on the bed. The nurse said there was no way I could write legibly this close after surgery, well, I proved her wrong, I wrote I NEED TO THROW-UP  on paper Paul got me because I felt like that tube was gagging me to death. Thank God for Paul, they decided to pull my tube. Once my tube was pulled and they removed my restraints, I felt much better. I have seen patients like this before and I can't believe I went crazy, but a girl has to do what a girl has to do. I mean, you can't talk while you are intubated and I had a lot to say. I was able to see my surgeon and tell her thank you. I was thrilled to be awake, to know my name, my social security number, my address. Yes, I was making sure I remembered everything. I had an IJ (intrajugular central line, a radial arterial line, foley, tons of monitors, a huge pain in my side/back, hose up to my hips, and all kinds of drugs dripping into me,) but I was ALIVE! I started right away asking about getting out of bed, why my insulin was at such a high drip rate, how often they were checking my blood sugar, when could I get out of bed, when could I see my family again.I was going to be part of my care team too. I soon was able to see other visitors and that really brightened my spirits. Only four visitation times were available for thirty minutes each visit, only two people at a time. Loneliness was my only real complaint. I had to eat ice chips for all day until Saturday morning. I didn't really want have a big appetite, but they told me I had to eat to get out of ICU and to heal. By lunch time, I was really hungry. My energy was returning. On Friday, I had worked-out with the Exercise Therapist and he was impressed with my strength. I shared with him about my amazing, Godly bootcamp trainer David Wesley. He has been so good to Paul and I throughout this process and he has kept me in-shape and lifted me up in prayer. I feel blessed to know him and trust me, I will be taking care of my new liver and will return to bootcamp once I am allowed to do a sit-up again.
     On Sunday, I was moved to a regular room and then things really started progressing quickly. Paul brought Thomas up to hospital and I was able to walk down to the first floor and see my son. My son! My joy. He is literally my heart walking around on precious little legs. I was so grateful that Paul brought him up and he cried when then had to leave and ran to me to pick him up. I can't hold my son for a month at least. This is a struggle, but totally worth it and I know that there is a mother out there that can never hold her baby again because I am living with her baby's liver. I find out Tuesday a little more about my donor, it is very secretive. I will only find out sex and age. I can write a letter to have sent to the family in six months. What do I say in that letter? What do I tell this amazing person? How do I live the rest of my life? What now?
   As you can tell, I have a ton of emotions and things running around in my head. If I was completely honest with all of you, I would tell you why I can't sleep. When I doze off to go to sleep, I see her. I see the mother of my donor at her child's funeral. I experienced a horrific experience of burying babies, not a child I loved for years, so I can't imagine her pain. When will this go away, I don't know. I wish I could talk to her and tell her how I will honor her child for the rest of my life. I will never go a day without being thankful. Because of her selfless gift, her child will live on through me and my children. I hope my donor is holding my babies in heaven, I hope they are all together.
   I can't wait to go to church. I don't ever want to sing a song sitting down in a pew again. I want to shout from the rooftops all my favorite praise songs. I want to be in God's presence all the time. I want to share Him, I want all the people I love and know to spend eternity with me in heaven. I am throwing away my Bucket List, I'm not going anywhere for awhile. I still plan on blogging about the song I heard on the way home, but right now, I am going to have to stop so I can change my dressing and get cleaned up. I can't say thank you enough to all of you for praying, loving, caring, coming to fundraisers, working for me, and just taking time to be a part of my life. Thank you!

A Bunch of Things

2012-02-19T20:26:00.000-08:00

     I know it has been awhile since I have posted, but life has been really busy lately. I started working-out consistently again going to bootcamp 3-4 times a week in the morning and then I went to my first Zumba class this week at my church. I can honestly say that I am a TERRIBLE dancer and have zero rhythm, but I let loose and had a blast. I used to work at the Verne Cox Center with all different types of people with an array of disabilities. One thing we always did at the center was a dance once a month. It is crazy, but I learned so much from this group of people. They truly danced like no one was watching because they did not care what other people thought of them, oh how I wish I could live like that. I honestly miss these dances, I had so much fun dancing at these dances. I decided that day at Zumba that I would just go with it. I couldn't stop smiling. I keep inviting people to come along because I enjoyed it so much. The instructor is a wonderful woman, her name is Nicole and she has FIVE children!!!! When you look at her, you can't tell that she has had that many kids, I don't know how she does it all and juggles all her different responsibilities. She also leads the MOPS group that I go to and I absolutely love those Fridays.
     Speaking of MOPS, we had a guest speaker on Friday and she talked about making our home a "yes" home. I loved what she said. It honestly is easier to say no to our kids. I decided that when Thomas wants to read a book, I am going to stop doing dishes or vacuuming and read him a book. If he wants to bake cookies right after I clean the kitchen, I am going to bake cookies. He already is growing up too quickly and I want to take advantage of every opportunity to make memories with him. I also want to pray more for my son and his future wife, his future friends, and I really pray that he wants to serve Jesus as well. I hope that our home will reflect the love of Christ in such a way that my son will choose Jesus.
     This weekend, my alma mater, ULM came into town to play U of H and Paul, Thomas and I went to cheer them on. It was great to see Coach Holloway and catch up with her. She had such a huge impact on my life, just the simple fact that she wanted me on her team and going up to Monroe was one of the best decisions of my life. While we were there, Thomas rolled down his first hill. He loved it and laughed the whole time. He is so happy, and Coach made my whole day when she said that Thomas had my smile! My heart fills with joy each time I see him smile. He has started saying "I love you," and I get all tearful every time he says it, he will never know how long my heart ached to hear those words from MY CHILD. He is my greatest accomplishment.
     Lately, I have been blessed with several random acts of kindness/thoughtfulness. A coworker/friend Jennifer blessed me with a really sweet card and angel on Tuesday. She brightened my day and the words on the card made me smile all day. One of my little cousin Deborah's friends blessed me with a sweet gift that same night when I got home. I had one of those really long, frustrating days at work where it felt like no matter what I did, I kept messing up. Caitlin has been in my life for a long time and has been at almost all of my fundraisers. She left me a really cute mug full of candy and the nicest card. It made me cry. What most people don't know is that I keep these cards with me in my binder and I read them when I am waiting at the doctor's office or in the hospital and it really encourages me. Paul's Nana sent me a very uplifting card and blessed me with a gift card for a pedicure. My friend Kim Artall blessed me with foot scrub, a gift card, and a lovely card. I LOVE CARDS, just ask Paul. I always tell him that I don't really care what he buys me for my birthday or for Christmas, but I just want an emotional card from him.
     This past Friday after MOPS, I met Kim Artall and Andrea Jewell for a long overdue lunch/play date. It was so great to catch-up with them and at the same time, it is the strangest feeling to realize that we have all grown-up. We are all parents, we are all responsible, and we are all bruised. What I mean by that is that we have all experienced pain in our lives that have changed us and molded our lives. When you are growing-up with people, you don't think about this kind of stuff. I look at Andrea and I can't imagine being a single mom to two boys and juggling work, school, taking care of her grandmother, and parenting. Thomas immediately took to Andrea and actually ate his first ice cream cone with her. I know he is a good judge of character now! I look at Kim, who is one of those people that her biggest flaw is that when she loves and cares about someone, she gives them so much. She is so thoughtful and giving, but people don't always return the favor. I was one of those people a long time ago that didn't give Kim nearly as much as she gave me. I am glad we have gotten past that and I am thankful for the gift of forgiveness. It is a blessing to watch her be a mommy to Miles, who I like to call "Mr. Blue-eyes." He seriously has the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen. Friday was a glimpse of how I used to dream my life would be at my age, I always thought my kid and Kim's kid would play together and Friday made my heart so happy!
     I had one appt in the past couple of weeks, which was with my cardiologist. I went for a routine 6 month check-up as part of my transplant requirements. My last appt was great, so I went thinking this would be a breeze. I had a little snag. Thomas was playing with my phone and he held the button down on the bottom for a long time. When I went to make a call, the little arrow that you slide over was gone. I could not turn my phone off, answer it, open it, nothing. MY LIFE is in my phone, all my numbers, all the dates of all my appts and plans, and it is literally my LIFELINE if I get "the call." I was on my way to the medical center so I stopped at the Verizon store and asked if there was a way to reset my iphone. The lady was rude and said that bc I had a little crack on the back of the phone, there was nothing I could do. I explained that the crack had been there since I first got it and I just needed to know the "trick" to reset it. She said I had to pay more than $600 to buy a new phone. UHH, no thanks. So, then in a voice and tone used to correct a four year old, she explained that I could add a line and buy a new iphone at a much cheaper price. The whole time my heart is racing thinking about missing "the call." The reason I am so afraid is because I am now at the top of the "B" blood type list of livers! I told her that the reason I needed a phone was due to me being on the transplant list, because if I wasn't, I would have just waited until I got back home to Pasadena and went to the Verizon store there. She lectures me about otter boxes and how I need to take better care of my phone and the whole time I kept asking about resetting my phone. She promised to transfer my contacts, which she didn't do, and the whole time she treated me like I was worthless. It is in these moments that I want to scream at people and tell them that I am by no means an idiot and I start getting self-righteous, but I held it in because none of my earthly accomplishments really matter in the long run. I go to my appt that was supposed to be busy and after doing the one test I needed, I was informed that I would need further tests. RED FLAG raised, so I asked what was going on and the doctor, who I think resembles Mr. Burns on The Simpsons asked me if I am Short Of Breath (nursing lingo SOB) all the time. I told him that the only time I am SOB is when I work-out. I was lucky enough to get an IV and after the tests, he explained the results. He said my liver just isn't keeping up like it used to. He said that the fluid is backing up into my lungs and increasing my lung pressures to the high range. I have to go back to see Mr. Burns in 3 months unless I start getting SOB and then I need to come in sooner. I asked what I could do to fix this and he said,"get a new liver." If I had a dollar for every time I heard that, I would be rich. This news made me a little sad because I wanted to get a new liver before any of my other organs were affected. I already have a super enlarged liver and spleen. So, pray that a liver comes soon please! This waiting game is for the birds. I have so many things left to accomplish. So, to finish my phone story, I bought a new phone and added a third line. But, after my appt, I went to the Pasadena store and 2.5 seconds after I walked-in, they showed my how to reset the iphone and my old phone was back in business. I had to go to the other Pasadena store to have my third line removed and the iphone returned to the store. There went 4.5 hours of my life I will never get back, but I am happy that I ended up okay after all was said and done.
   On a random note, I always feel like my cousin Karen's boyfriend knows everything. He is a genius, seriously. I finally found a question that Neill did not know the answer to. I asked him what kind of vinegar they use at Subway to put on your sandwhich and he did not know!!! So, my cousin Deb thinks it is red wine vinegar, so I am going to try it. Also, while I think cancer totally sucks, in a way, it has been a blessing to me. It woke me up, it made me look at my life and decide what is important, it makes me thankful for every single day, it makes me want to seize the day, it makes me want to be better, it makes me want to live, I want to live more now than I ever have before. It has made me more forgiving, harboring anger is just too hard, it has made me expect a little less of myself (like I don't always have to keep the house clean), I don't want it to be said at my funeral, "Katrinia kept a really clean house." That is the last thing I want someone to say. Thank you for all your prayers, support, love, encouragement, accountability, and thank you for reading. It is the coolest thing to meet a stranger that tells me they have read my blog! I will try to be a better blogger and blog more!

Tricia Green Visits and other Blessings

2012-02-04T12:29:00.001-08:00

     Okay, so the weekend of January 21st, my good friend Tricia Green came to visit me all the way from the great city of West Monroe, Louisiana. I met Tricia when she was a sophomore in high school and I was the youth intern at First Baptist West Monroe Church, otherwise known as First West. The first time I met her, I knew she was special, and she was a challenge. I decided immediately that I liked her and we started spending more and more time together. Tricia was a little more mature than her other classmates, so she hung out with me and the senior girls. We had a blast all summer long, oh to go back to those carefree college days! She is stubborn like me, and we both tend to learn things the hard way, so we naturally got along well. Tricia Green is one of those friends that you have where you can go a year or many months without talking to each other, but when you reunite, it is like no time at all has passed. I love her a lot and it means the world to me that she drove all the way in from northeast Louisiana to spend time with me. She brought me lots of little goodies, but my favorite goody is this amazing homemade snack mix her mom makes. I forgot to mention that I love Tricia's entire family, I promise I could move in with them and have no problem at all. I have called and talked to Tricia's mom before when I was worried about Tricia. She is that kind of friend. There have been times in our relationship where I have told her the truth (not what she wanted to hear), I am able to do this because I know that no matter what we will always be friends. She has also always been honest with me and she holds me accountable. Most importantly, our friendship is based on our love for Christ. We went shopping at Kohls when she was down and this lady told us that we were hilarious to listen to as we shopped. We have fun whether it be shopping, eating out, talking at home in our pjs, or my favorite is when she plays with my hair. When I think about it, all of my close friends play with my hair, I guess that makes me a little weird. Tricia is also very understanding when it comes to life changes and the fact that now I have a kid, my priorities and ability to be spontaneous have changed a little bit. I love her and she blessed me so much by coming down to visit me. My heart is happy.
     This past week, I had two surprises delivered to me. On Wednesday, my good friend Katie hung a cute little bag on my front door. It had sugar free Oreos in it (they are delicious), and a cute little glass container with what I thought were cinnamon/sugar cubes. I should have read the card first is all I can say because I took a big ole bite of the cinnamon/sugar cubes and quickly found out that they were not edible. I was gagging and spitting for about five minutes and my mom kept asking me what was wrong, but I couldn't answer her. I read the card and found out these were little bath cubes for a BATH. My tongue was burning, but I couldn't stop laughing. Lesson learned, read the card first. The card toughed my heart and the simple fact that this single mom that works full time and goes to school at night took the time to do something so thoughtful for me chokes me up. My cup runneth over.
    Thursday morning, my dogs were barking like crazy and I opened the front door to see what the commotion was all about. I found a large envelope addressed to me. I opened it to find the instructions "Read the card and letter first," (too bad I hadn't followed these instructions the night before). I read the touching card and letter and looked at all the goodies my cousin Kea Lynn and her family had sent me. It had candy for Thomas, Valentine socks, a beautiful book for mothers, a frame for family pictures, and lots of other cute stuff. She explained what each item was for and why she put them in this little care package. I balled, boo-hood, snot ran down out of my nose. I became overwhelmed. I put myself back together and called Kea Lynn to thank her and had the best conversation with her. I love my cousins and I realize that the reason we are all so close starts three generations ago with my Pawpaw and the importance he and my grandmother placed on family. I met Karen for lunch at Jason's Deli and then we bumped into two of my favorite teachers from jr high and high school, Ms. Alsdorf and Ms. Boyton. It was so great to run into them and hug their necks. I'm happy they were able to meet my Thomas.
     So, Friday comes along and I was able to go to the MOPS group at church, and this particular morning, I was inspired to start running. I plan on starting soon. Two of the women are running half marathons in a few weeks and I don't have to run a marathon or anything, but I do need to get in better shape. They inspire me to at least try, they are honest that they don't always love running and they admit that it is hard. I like it when people are real. I went to my post-op appt with my oral surgeon and my mom came along to watch Thomas. When I went back, my mom made friends with a lady in the waiting room. When I came out, the woman explained that Steve Phelps was her boss and she had read my story and was praying for me. What a small world. I am amazed everyday at how all of our lives seem to weave together.
     The consistent blessing in my life these days tends to be my little family. I love how Thomas is growing up, but I don't like how independent he is now. He feeds himself, cleans up after himself, he has his own agenda of where he wants to walk, and he loves to talk on the phone like a grown-up. I feel so lucky to hear him call me "momma," that is the sweetest sound to my ears. My husband has also been pretty wonderful lately. It is easy to focus on the things that he doesn't do, I guess the majority of us are like this when it comes to our spouses. I am reading a book that my good friend Christina gave me. I work with her and we often talk about our husbands and our desire to be the best wives we can be. The book is called, Love and Respect: The Love she most Desires:The Respect he Desperately Needs. I am enjoying the book and hope it helps me respect my husband more and focus on his good qualities rather than his bad. I hate to admit that it is easier to focus on the negative sometimes, but I am a work in progress, even as a wife. Keep me in your prayers, I want to be the best Christian, mother, wife, sister, daughter, patient, friend, cousin, niece, granddaughter, and the list goes on. I will try to do a better job of keeping everyone up to date with my progress now that our computer is back home.

Dr. Appt Update, Wisdom, Sweet Prayer Time, and more

2012-01-23T16:59:00.000-08:00

     Okay, I feel like this HUGE load has been lifted off of my chest and I can relax a little. I went in for my appt this past Thursday to get the results of my latest CT Scan. My cousin Karen went with me bc I was extremely nervous about this appt. My coordinator had sent me a really, really, I mean really brief explanation of my scan, but at the end of the email, she stated,"the surgeons would like for your case to be resubmitted for review." HUH??? What does that mean? Are you telling me they might remove me from the list? I received the following email- "If you have any further questions about your results, you need to make and appt for this upcoming Thursday." So, I made an appt and I was on edge, scared to death for the next week. I hate that I immediately thought about the worst case scenario right off the bat. So, this past Thursday, I went to see my doctor and before he came in, I had a good interaction with my coordinator. She told me more about my scan and explained what she meant about the review. I am up for review because my score will go up by 3 points in February ( all that worry for nothing). Then, she said that the last time they received a B liver, my name was right up there at the top. HALLELUJAH!! I instantly smiled and told her how this is exactly what I had been needing to hear. I thanked her and tried to contain my excitement. Next, Dr. Ankoma-Sey entered and gave me a big hug along with his smile. He explained that I now only had 2, that is right only 2 masses and they were shrinking, so the chemo is working. He explained that the other mass is a hemangioma on my liver. He hugged me a second time and I thought about how hard his job is. He probably loves it when he gets to be the bearer of good news, unlike the times where he has to tell someone there is no more hope. He also said he might have to come and visit my church because two different people from church had seen him Thursday morning and they both mentioned me! For the first time since my diagnosis, even 7 and 1/2 years ago, I started believing that my GOD could actually do a complete healing in my body with or without a new liver, my God is that powerful. They approved me to have oral surgery tomorrow:( and we talked about a cardiologist appt I needed to make, and then I didn't even talk to him about my one negative item on my list of questions. I am starting to lose really large clumps of hair, I guess because they used a larger dose of medication, I am not sure. I still have plenty of hair right now, but I can't explain why this made me sad, but it did. I guess because I know I have a really round face and funny shaped skull, so I don't want anyone to have to see it! If it takes me losing my hair to beat this, then bring on the wigs. Seriously, I don't think I will lose all of my hair, but I wanted to share with you that I never realized how important hair is to me. If only the hair on my legs would fall out and stop growing. I have decided that Karen is my lucky charm and she is going to have to go to all my appts with me from now on.

     In the midst of all of this, my wisdom teeth decided to pop out and make an appearance. They are a high risk for infection, so I am having them removed tomorrow morning at 10:00 if you want to say a little prayer. I plan on going back to work on Thursday, so my mouth better cooperate with my plans. I wonder if I will not be as smart once my wisdom teeth are gone? ( Okay, that last sentence was a joke that my dad would tell, so I just wanted to give him a little shout out)

     I don't know if I have ever talked about my cousin Deborah (Karen's little sister) and her husband Henry, but I must tell you about the sweetest thing they did for me. Henry is an unashamed, on-fire for God, can't stop talking about Jesus kind of Christian. He and I have had a connection since the first time I met him. I knew he was meant for something great and I was so glad that my baby cousin picked someone like him to love and share the rest of her life with. Henry called and asked if I could come over to their house one day for prayer and fasting. He asked me what day would work for me and then he invited friends and family over. So, this past Saturday, Deborah cooked a fantastic meal and we all met at 3:00 for food, fellowship, and prayer. I literally sat there in awe of my God and the fact that He has placed me in such an amazing, God-loving family. To share such an intimate moment with my aunt, uncle, cousins, Neill (who should be my cousin by now), my parents, sister, my niece, my son, and my husband. Henry shared scripture from his heart and I simply sobbed through the whole little service. Neill said this wall-shaking prayer that touched my heart. I see why my cousin Karen loves him so much. Praying together, especially out loud, is bonding, it brings your hearts together and solidifies a common goal. All of the people that attended blessed my soul. Daily, I am humbled by all the goodness around me. The blessings in my life heavily outweigh any burdens in my life. I want to sing praise songs all day long.

     I have to run, but I want to tell you about my wonderful friend that came in town this past weekend to visit me, Tricia Green, from Monroe, La. Thanks for reading!

Volleyball Tournament Update and a Little More

2012-01-22T16:20:00.001-08:00

     So, the volleyball tournament was a great success. My hunny bunny worked so hard and I am so proud of him. I saw a ton of people I haven't seen in forever and I got to see Paul's Nana, which is always a pure delight. She is a wonderful, godly woman and she calls me almost daily to read scripture to me, pray with me, check on me, or update me. I sure look forward to her calls. I am simply amazed at how many people come out to volunteer at the different fundraisers, it makes my heart happy inside. I can't explain how many broken relationships my illness has healed and that is due to God and His Grace in all of our lives. If there is one thing I have gained from this whole deal, it would have to be perspective. I mean, facing your mortality makes priorities and perspective a whole lot easier. I have had to put my big girl panties on and get over a few petty things I was letting the devil have a hold on in my life. I am still working on that, but I know God is not finished with me yet. I was blessed to see a bunch of friends from junior high and high school days, which I consider some the absolute best days of my life. The teams surprised me by being really competitive and everyone was a good sport. The total amount raised was $10,900!!! I can't believe it still as I type it. Thank you to everyone who played, volunteered, donated items, came out and bid on items, came to referree, tournament sponsors, and simply everyone involved. Paul had Pastor Dale Smith from First Baptist Deer Park come out and say the opening prayer. He is a gifted pastor, with a special gift in funerals. It is weird to say this, but I have enjoyed every funeral I have ever gone to that Pastor Dale performed. I want him to do my funeral when I die, he has a way of bringing people to Christ after a death, and that is what I want, I want all those I love to spend eternity with me in heaven.
     I do have to give an extra shout-out to my cousin Bubba. Yes, people I really do have a cousin named Bubba. When I was growing-up, I thought my cousin Bubba was so cool, I always wanted to be around him because wherever Bubba is, fun is there. He is a crazy, accident-prone, kind, responsible, fun, and loving man. I have to say that while my cousin was already a great guy, he became even a better man when he married his wife Jennifer. The thing I love most about her is that Bubba has a son that he raises named Tre and then, he and Jennifer had a son together named Koltyn. When you are around Jennifer, you cannot tell which one is her son by the way she treats them. She loves them both unconditionally and you can see that they are a very happy family. Both Bubba and Jennifer have been at all the financial meetings and fundraisers, not to mention that they both work full-time, are leaders of a boy scout club, go on lots of camping trips, Bubba is a volunteer fireman, and the list continues, but they still make time for me and that makes me feel so special. Bubba helped out a lot with the tournament and I can't describe it, but when Bubba is around, I always feel a little safer, he brings security to any event. Bubba, thank you for loving me, thank you for going to school banquets with me when I had no date, thank you for choosing such a wonderful wife that is now part of my life. Oh, and I have to add one more thing, Bubba used to be a male cheerleader, and he is an awesome gymnast. He has never fit the typical male cheerleader mold, so this little tidbit always makes me laugh a little when I look at him:)
     I wanted to share a little story with you guys that came about because my story was put on the front of the Pasadena Citizen (our city newspaper). This past summer, shortly after finding out I had cancer, I went shopping at HEB with my sister, mother, and Thomas. Thomas and I were having a blast and I was talking/singing/acting silly with him while we shopped and he threw things in the basket. A lady approached me and told me how nice it was to see a mother enjoying her baby and that usually moms are yelling at their kids or seem frustrated. I don't always feel called to share my story of my babies dying with total strangers, but I told her. I explained that I longed for Thomas so much that I did enjoy every little thing with him. I can remember going shopping and seeing mom's being so mean to their children, which broke my heart. You see, having lost a baby or being infertile makes you notice all the things you would never do if you were ever blessed enough to be a mother. This is hard to explain, because before I lost the boys, I never noticed people treating their children good or bad, but once I experienced the loss of them, it was amplified. The one thought that always occurs to me is this,"If a parent is the person that loves this child the most and they are cursing at them or calling them names, then how is the rest of the world going to treat this child?" I don't ever want Thomas to feel like a bother, or that he is on my nerves, I want him to feel loved, all the time, just loved. Anyways, the woman's name was Brenda, and she sent me the nicest letter this week that made me cry, not from sadness, but from having my heart touched. I found out later, my sister had gone and told her about my situation and asked her to pray for me while we were at HEB. The following is her precious letter:

Dear Katrinia,

     I met you, your precious baby, and your sister one day last summer in HEB and I had often wondered if you ever got your transplant. Then, this past wekk, I saw the article in the Pasadena Citizen about the Volleyball Tournament. Although we cannot go (we're both sick) we would like to give a small gift. My husband and I wish we could do much much more, because I felt you were such a beautiful person with a beautiful soul and you deserve every chance to live a long, rich and rewarding life, God-willing. We are elderly and have to watch pennies, but we can pray for you and wish you God's blessings, so we are.

                                                                                                  Brenda and Bob

     To say that this letter didn't touch my heart would be a lie, a complete stranger I met for only a few moments is so kind. She sent a check in for $25 and can I just say that the story in the Bible about the woman who gave pennies, but it was all she had came to my mind. I know now how God felt, He knew what a sacrifice she was making, as I know that this money was a sacrifice for Brenda and Bob. I tear-up every single time I think about this letter. What have I done to deserve this kind of love? God, thank you, thank you, thank you for allowing me to experience this kind of feeling. I know I have a great responsibility to honor You, and I wake-up every day hoping to honor You in all that I do. I am so sorry when I was angry at You.

     I had opened up my blog for questions and a few people emailed me, Kim left a question on the comments, and few people asked me questions in person, but the funny thing is, they all asked the same general question. They basically asked how I do it, how I function everyday and keep my head up? Well, the answer, which I recently shared with a few people at work is this, FAITH. I have hope and faith in my Saviour Jesus Christ. I lean on Him, I talk to Him all the time, I beg Him some days for help, but I keep in mind that I want to leave a legacy. I love that song my Nicole Nordeman. I want Thomas to know that I kept living, smiling, singing, playing, loving, and I never gave up. I don't want to "live like I am dying." I am going to live in heaven for eternity people, what a gift, I have so much to look forward to. I do have bad days, just ask my husband, mom, sister, my family, they know. I used to think that God was doing this to me, but after a study of the book of Job, I realize that He is allowing Satan to try and tear me down, but Satan doesn't know who he is messing with. I have often been told by people that I am a hard one to break, and that is true. If you want to beat me down, you will probably quit before I fall because you will get so tired of fighting. Losing my babies nearly beat me, but God blessed me abundantly with Thomas and tons of new friends in my life that I never would have met if it were not for my boys. I can't imagine my life now without Dr. Rowe in it, our new Sunday School class and friends, my MEND friends, even the people I met at the funeral home. If I didn't live my life to the fullest, I would be letting all of my babies down, I want to be a mother that they are proud of and one that sets a good example for them to follow, but mostly, I pray my son will come to know the Lord someday.
     I recently had a conversation with a coworker and she said that she can't figure out why I am tested so much. I thought about her comment and something hit me like a ton of rocks. A few years ago, I made a careless comment, and now I think I should be careful of things I say. I said, "my testamony is so boring," well, not anymore. I have tons of things to share now and I hope to share my testamony with as many people as I can. I would even love to start speaking at different events, if God calls me to do so.
     While I shared with you how I get through each day, I want to share a fear I have and am currently trying to work through. I am afraid to be at home alone with Thomas. I am so afraid I will die and then something tragic will happen to him because I am not watching him. Is that weird? I often will call my mom or sister to come over for some silly reason, and the reason in my head is, please don't let me die alone or die with only Thomas here. How terrible would that be, then I think, why am I thinking like this at 33 years old. I feel good, I don't feel like I am about to die, but I keep letting this fear creep into my head.
     I have tons more to say, but I will try to blog tomorrow about my doctor's appt update and my upcoming oral surgery to have my wisdom teeth removed:(
    IF YOU ARE NEAR SAM RAYBURN HIGH SCHOOL TUESDAY, THERE IS A BLOOD DRIVE FOR ME STARTING AT 7:30 am, I would love to see you there.

Volleyball Tomorrow

2012-01-13T16:00:00.000-08:00

I am extremely excited about the volleyball fundraiser tournament tomorrow. This fundraiser has allowed me to see my husband in a new light. You might not know this, but I expect a lot out of my spouse on a daily basis, but I expect more out of myself. Being too tired to get things done has been absolutely awful for me. I want to be Superwoman. There are times when I just have to rest and that is when I start letting Satan get the best of me and I let his thoughts creep in and try to steal my joy, my joy that Jesus gives me. I want to do so much before I die and I feel like I am trying to squeeze it all in, but I know I will never accomplish everything I want to finish, even if I live to be 100. Anyways, Paul has done A LOT of work for this tournament and it makes my heart skip a beat when I see how enthusiastic he is about the tournament, he is relentless. I actually think he might have missed his calling in life. He could do this as a permanent job! This past Tuesday, I felt awful and I had to leave work early. I hate when people see me sick. I don't like to appear weak or in pain, I don't want people to ever feel sorry for me. I want them to treat me like the Katrinia I was before my babies died, before cancer, before life seemed to overwhelm me. But, I feel like God has been teaching me to reveal myself more, I don't need to hide my hurt. I can't find it anywhere in the Bible where it says to keep things secret. In fact it says the opposite. I am to call upon Him in my time of need and ask other believers to lift me up in prayer. Prayer is still hard for me, is it weird that I feel selfish asking for God to heal me? Why should He heal me and not the next person? Well, I called Paul to tell him that I had to leave work early because this means my paycheck will be a little short, and he emails my aunt to send out an email asking for prayer. I was embarrassed and mad at him because I don't want anyone to worry about me. Then, I felt God's conviction, He said "STOP IT", let people in again." God knew that we as humans need other people, we need family, we need friends, we need to feel a part of something. I am blessed in all of these areas of my life. On our deLIVER t-shirts there is a verse Psalms 50:15, which I cling to. It says, "and call upon Me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you will honor me." I want to scream from the top of my lungs, "Hear my cry God, deliver me please, and I promise, I will HONOR You all the days of my life." But, I will do my best to honor God all the days of my life no matter what. When I think about God sacrificing His only son on the cross, I get extremely emotional, I simply am unable to fathom it. I would throw myself in front of any bullet, bomb, speeding car, you name it to protect Thomas. I am so thankful for Jesus and the peace of knowing where I spend eternity. It makes death much more bearable.
I want to open my blog up for questions. Feel free to ask me any question you would like and I would love to answer it. I don't know what you might be wondering about me because some readers have known me my whole life and some just met me. And, if you are out and about in Pasadena tomorrow, stop by Memorial High School on Crenshaw to buy some raffle tickets, watch some volleyball, and eat some good food, and I would love to see you. Have a wonderful night and thank you again for all the love and support.

Lots of Stuff

2012-01-08T20:42:00.000-08:00

     So, I will pick-up on Saturday morning December 31st. I woke-up vomiting and feeling like a big bag of poo. We HAD to go pick-up our minivan or we would lose our deposit, so we got dressed and I slept in the truck on our way to the dealership. I signed all those papers and was handed the keys to our new used 2008 Chrysler Town and Country Touring van. It is red, has lots of gadgets, and is way better on gas than my FJ. I, never in a million years, thought I would want a minivan, but life has changed me and sliding doors have changed my life. Thomas seems to love it, but Paul loves it more. I think he would like to switch vehicles with me. Paul gets extremely excited any time something has lots of electrical "extras." If you ask him about our minivan, be ready to hear an earful about all it has to offer.

    We drove straight home and I went back to sleep, Thomas took a nap with me. Paul was busy working on lots of volleyball tournament stuff, so my sister and Karina came over to help with me and Thomas. I simply needed rest and I once again had a horrendous headache. I had several rags on my head and I also was running a temperature all day. Due to my liver issues, I can't really take any medication for pain. The average person honestly has no idea how bad Tylenol is for your liver. I have learned in the last seven and a half years to "suck it up," when it comes to pain. The funny thing is, the number one concern or fear relating directly to the actual transplantation of a liver is the pain, not only from the incision, but also from having to stay on a ventilator for more than 24 hours. I never wanted to be on a vent, I want to breathe for myself. I plan on begging before they put me under to please ween me off the vent right after surgery. I also want my surgeon to have someone take a picture of my old liver and my new liver. Pictures are extremely important to me and I want to see this most precious gift with my own eyes. All of Saturday was pretty much a blur of sleeping, trying to drink some fluids, and a throbbing headache.

     Sunday, Paul and Thomas went to church, but I still had fever and headache. I was told by a few people when I received my treatment that "the worse you feel, the better the medicine is working." I kept reminding myself of this the whole time. My work called to cancel me for Monday because we were going to be slow due to the holiday of New Year's, I welcomed this cancellation and it gave me an extra day to recoup. Sunday evening, I went over to my sister's house to take a bath. It was a glorious bath. It is amazing how a nice, hot bath can make you feel so much better. My sister washed my back and my mom came over and played with my hair. Having someone play with my hair is the absolute best feeling. It relaxes me completely. By Monday morning, I felt much better and I was able to go out to lunch with Paul. We had a really good day together.

     Tuesday, I went to work and I worked downstairs in the clinic. Several of the clinic nurses got together and bought me a card and a gift card to Target to wish me a happy new year and brighten my day. It touched my heart, I feel so undeserving. I love all the different departments I get to work with at by job. I know I am extremely lucky to work at a place like Shriners, where we deliver top-notch care for children all for free. People are always so grateful for the care and they almost can't believe they will never receive a bill. It is so cool to get to see someone take their first step after surgery, or see a parent's face after their child has had their cleft lip/palate repaired. Words will never do it justice, and you don't need to speak the same language to understand it either. In these moments, I feel so close to God, I realize He is so powerful, so good, so underrated. My God is so huge and sometimes I forget that or take it for granted. He can do ANYTHING.

     Lately, the number one question people keep asking me is, "How do you feel?" As far as health, I would say I am just a lot more fatigued than my usual self, but I know my energy will return to me after transplant. What I really want to say, but I usually keep to myself is, "I feel scared, I feel like I am running out of time, I feel like I am circling a drain some days, I feel like I need some answers, I feel blessed, I feel stressed, I feel lucky in some ways, I feel like I need to do more for God, I feel empty sometimes, I feel a lot of things, I just don't know how to answer someone. I wonder, do people really want to hear how I feel or are they hoping since I am out and about that I feel good? I honestly feel older than 33. I feel like my life has aged me and I say things sometimes and I quickly realize that my Pawpaw

     I go for a CT scan tomorrow and should have those results by Thursday. I can't wait for the day when I can go years without all these tests. I will try to update you guys and I can't say enough how thankful I am that you read this blog, pray for me, send me encouragement, text me, or help me. Daily, I am humbled by all the goodness around me and all the wonderful people in this world. If the earth has this much love and kindness, I can't imagine how amazing heaven will be someday, someday hopefully far, far away.

TACE numero dos

2012-01-04T19:09:00.000-08:00

      How do you like my TexMex Heading? On Thursday morning, I woke-up bright and early to get myself and Thomas ready for the day. I have and will always be an early riser. I packed an overnight bag and got everything in the car, except for this ginormous notebook that my cousin Karen gave me. It literally has my entire medical history inside. I take it everywhere, I get a copy of ALL of my medical records (as everyone should). I am an active participator in my care. These people caring for me just met me, they don't know me and I want to make sure everything is being done right. With that said, my coordinator had emailed me on Wednesday night at 5:33 (after business hours) to tell me that the radiology team for transplant services was going to review my scans and they may decide to cancel my TACE. I emailed back a strong (Paul would say rude) response. I had questions: if my tumors are growing and increasing in number, why wouldn't we do an intervention?, why had she waited so late to give me this information ( I felt a phone call would have been better, so I could have my questions answered, and I told her not to bother calling me if they cancelled the TACE, a doctor would need to call me so all my medical questions could be answered at that time because I had to wait SIX weeks last time to get my results and I would not stand for that again. You might be reading this thinking, she is rude, but I am not. This is a fight for my life, I am not dealing with a plastic surgeon's office because I am electing to have surgery. I don't want to be on this list, I don't want to have cancer, I don't want to have to make a coordinator work, but enough is enough. I have to advocate like this for my patients at work, so this is familiar territory for me. This is stressful and I want to feel like I am doing something to treat my tumors, I feel like they think it is a game, but if this is a game, they just met their most competitive player. My coordinator called a little after 7:00 Thursday morning and said that the radiology team agreed with my doctor's plan for a TACE. Thank you Jesus! That was an answered prayer, I had been a nervous wreck all night.
     Paul, Thomas, and I all rode in the truck, and my parents followed us. I can't explain it, but this illness has brought my family extremely close to Paul. It was nice watching them joke and talk so effortlessly and everyone gets a long well. I love my family. I was checked in and a nurse took me to a room where I had to change into a gown, have a pregnancy test done, labs drawn, IV placed, antibiotic given, and a long medical history obtained. After all of this was completed, Paul, Thomas, and my parents were called down to my room and we waited until they were ready for me in radiology. A little before noon, I was transported down and put into a slot to wait to sign consents and give another medical history to a new nurse in this dept. I was not assigned the nurse called Joy, but she made sure to take care of me. They had decided to use a larger dose of medicine on me this time, so the actual chemo was not ready. I heard Joy on the phone saying, "You said it would be ready in 30 minutes, it has been 30 minutes, I am coming to get it." She did go up and get it, which I already realize is her going above and beyond for me, she could have made me wait longer until the pharmacy brought the medicine down, but she was too caring for that. I signed consents, a different radiologist was going to do this procedure than last time, so we all asked our questions, I gave everyone a kiss, and then they wheeled me into the procedure room. With about 3 women in the room and 1 man in the room, the only man had to shave my private area. Are you kidding me? Could a woman do this? He was very nice and professional and it was over in a few seconds, but still really awkward. Next, they cleaned both sides where my femoral arteries are then draped me. Then, they numbed the area where the needle would be inserted. That hurt, but the weirdest thing is feeling the guide wire being pushed through my body, I can actually feel it, especially when they remove the wires. It seemed to take longer this time, I needed oxygen again, and I was really tense. That is, until Joy, my hero returned to the room to check on me and she asked the nurse in the room if she had "given" me anything because I looked really stressed. My nurse said no, and then Joy asked the doctor if she could give me some relaxing medication. She gave me some Versed in my IV and I actually felt my shoulders relax and lay on the table, my fists unclenched and my fingers were resting on the table, and my feet were no longer flexed in fear. I could have kissed Joy at that moment, but instead, I started crying. WHY you may wonder? I get extremely emotional when someone shows me genuine compassion and care. I have always been able to sense when someone is doing something out of the kindness of their heart, or for different reasons. Joy was just sharing her light. I couldn't wipe my tears because my arms were in these little restraint-like things, and now my vision was blurry, so I couldn't see my vital signs anymore, so I had to just relax and think of something happy. I thought of my son out in the waiting room making all those around him smile. He loves "old" people like his Daddy, and my mom said he put on a great show. Every time Thomas saw me on the stretcher moving around, he would belly laugh, he thought it was hilarious that I was on this bed. I love my little booger! After the procedure was over, I was wheeled back into a new slot to have this clamp placed on my hip area and then my family could come see me. Joy walked up to me and asked me about my other children because she had seen on my chart that I had had two c-sections! So, I told her about Benjamin and Jacob, I didn't cry, I held it in, but then she did something that made me sob like I haven't sobbed in a long time. Joy is a very petite Filipino woman and she crawled up to where her face was right next to mine and she hugged me and she cried. She cried people. She told me I had had to deal with enough, no more after this. She talked to me about Jesus and was so happy that I knew Him as my personal Saviour. I felt so blessed to have met her and I never would have met her if I did not have this diagnosis. I like having a silver lining. The absolute worst part of this procedure is that I have to lay flat for 6 to 8 hours after the procedure. So, I had to use a bed pan, which is the ultimate last resort for me. I asked Joy if my mom could do it for me and Joy let her. I was so happy and I talked my mom through it because I did not want any "spills" to occur. About 20 minutes later, they found I had a hematoma and they had to message it out and put manual pressure on it. After a few more minutes, I was ready to go to my room. My whole family escorted me and Thomas laughed the whole time again as I was wheeled on the stretcher.
     Paul stayed the night with me on a very uncomfortable chair and he got a lot of work done for the upcoming volleyball tournament. He even washed my hair, rubbed my feet, and snuggled with me. It was nice having him all to myself. He didn't even try to watch any football! I had a wonderful nursing assistant that came in my room with a smile and did not mind getting me anything I needed. I was so hungry and those were the best crackers I had ever eaten. We slept pretty good throughout the night, and I only threw-up once in the morning. I told my nurse to please call my doctor because I needed to be discharged home because today was my sister's 40th Birthday. I didn't care how bad I felt, I was going to suck it up for my big sis, she is worth it. My doc came in a little after 9:00 and put in the discharge orders and by 10:00 I was on my way home. I went home to kiss and love all over Thomas, I will never opt to spend a night away from him, the two I have had to stay away from him have already been too hard. I cannot imagine leaving him for any other reason. I love him so much.

Next, I went to my sister's job and kidnapped her. I had already cleared this with her boss. We went to lunch at Jason's Deli, went to have pedicures done, and then I took her to get a real haircut at It's About Hair. We had a lovely time and my sister looked beautiful. I love spending time with her. She is such an amazing and strong woman with a heart truly bigger than Texas. She has helped too many people to count in her 40 years. She thought that was the only surprise for the day, but my Aunt Tricia, my cousin Karen, my mom, and I had planned a surprise dinner for her at Casa Ole that night and she was totally shocked. We had all pitched-in to buy her a laptop, printer, flash drive, and converter box. Her job ordered her four new handles for her car (great gift idea Evelyn), and many other gifts were brought. My sister was overwhelmed with joy and happiness. She was crying tears of joy and she was so grateful. I am so elated that we were able to surprise her and shower her with love. She is a rock and she has always been my real sister (not my half sister). I love her so much!

Okay, my fingers hurt and I need to get to bed soon, more to come later. Thanks for taking this journey with me and thank you for all of your support. You will never know how much your texts, comments, emails, facebook posts, phone calls, etc mean to me. Let's pray for a liver soon!

Overwhelmed

2011-12-27T15:53:00.000-08:00

     On Chirstmas morning, I had a "moment." I never know when these moments will come, but it hit me hard on Christmas morning. I was exhausted from all of the family events we had to go to on Friday and Saturday for Paul's side of our family. I guess I have gotten too good at masking my exhaustion and I think soon I will have to start saying "no," and I have to not care if it hurts any feelings. I know I need rest, my doctor constantly tells me to slow down. I need to be a better patient and take some time to relax. I just desire to be the best mom, wife, nurse, daughter, sister, aunt, neighbor, the list goes on. A long time ago, Paul bought me a book called "The Art of Saying NO," I will have to dig it out of some box and read it.
     Anyways, on Christmas Eve, we went to our church's candlelight service and I knew Thomas would not be too cooperative since he did not have a proper nap, he had been going nonstop for the past two days, and he has been very sick with lots of breathing treatments, steroids, fevers, etc.. At the service, he threw a fit and cried, and cried, and cried, and cried some more, until enough was enough. He threw-up twice from his crying and gagging on his congestion, so Paul and I decided to leave. Thomas hugged me so tight and clung to me like he was saying THANK YOU! He needed to be home. We got home and he passed out and went to sleep. Paul and I started getting his three presents out and putting them together. His little playhouse came without any of the screws needed to put it together and it was too late to go to a store, so Paul found stuff out in his tool box to work for the time being and he went to Toys R Us today to get the screws. Before my diagnosis, this "little" detail of the missing screws would have made me so mad, but I guess I'm not sweating the small stuff anymore. Instead, this little detail made me proud of my husband for rigging it together. Thomas LOVED his playhouse, his little kitchen, and his sleeping bag that has his name embroidered on it.
     My moment of feeling overwhelmed occurred early Christmas morning when Thomas rolled over from sleeping on his tummy and looked directly into my eyes. He smiled so big, then put his hand around my arm and snuggled in close, all the time, he was staring at me and I could see that he loves me. I am tearing-up now just thinking about it. I never knew a love like this before. I hope he knows how much I love him and that his arrival renewed my spirit. I can't describe it, but I just sobbed, I had to get up and snuggle Thomas in the living room because I didn't want to wake Paul up with my snotty crying. They were tears of joy, tears of gratefulness, tears of grief, and tears of fear. The only fear I have is not being able to raise my son. It scares me to my core, and this alone makes me want to scream at God and tell Him, YOU HAVE TO SAVE ME! I know I can't change God's plans, but I pray that HE will heal me. I need this.
    Speaking of praying, I haven't been able to pray out loud in a long time. Paul asked me to at lunch yesterday before we ate and I tried. I ended up crying and then I get all embarrassed because so many people are around. I have never had such uncontrollable emotions like this before. I feel so fragile, when I have always felt strong. I am positive in my attitude about life, but I learned from the twins passing that nothing in this life is gauranteed. I want to feel like everything I do won't be my last. This is not my last Christmas, last New Year's, last Birthday, last wedding anniversary, last Mother's Day, etc.. I want to go to sleep at night with my phone far away from me. I keep it close because every single time my phone rings, I secretly hope it is a liver. Please God, let me get a liver soon.
  Quick medical update: I will be admitted this Thursday, December 29 to St. Luke's for my next TACE procedure at 0800. I have to stay the night, but hopefully I will be out by Friday morning and on my way to celebrate my beautiful sister's 40th Birthday. I love her so much!!!! Prayers for my procedure would be wonderful. I love you guys and thanks for reading.

A Super Overdue Catch-You-Up-To-Date Blog

2011-12-22T21:46:00.000-08:00

Okay, I am sorry it has been so long since I have blogged, but I have been a busy bee lately. I keep thinking that if this is my last Christmas, I want it to be the BEST one ever, but I know I shouldn't think that way. The last time I blogged, my car was still in the shop from the October 5 wreck. Well, I was originally told that it would be close to $10,000 to fix and 19 days in the shop. Well, 8 weeks and 1 day later and $16000 later, my car was "fixed". Paul went to pick-up my beloved FJ. When Paul went to start the car, it didn't start. So, they ran to the automotive store and bought us a new battery and installed it. Then, Paul drove the car and told them the brakes felt loose, but they assured him it was all okay. I drove it the next day and called and repeated that my car's brakes were not working. We made an appt to return the car to be properly fixed on Sunday, when Paul would be out of school and able to take me to work each day. Unfortunately, my car didn't make it to Sunday. On Tuesday, I was leaving work and I backed out of my parking space and suddenly lost all brakes. I hit a doctor's car that I work with. Luckily, this doctor is very kind and understanding. Both of our cars had to be towed and I had finally reached my limit on all this car drama. It was so scary, and the scariest part of the whole ordeal was that in 1.5 miles, I would have been on the freeway where I could have killed an innocent family, myself, or what if Thomas had been in the car with me? The engineer found that the person who "fixed" my brakes "forgot" to put in a locking pin that connects my brake pedal to the whole brake system. Needless to say, the comparison was made that it was like a bomb ticking and like driving around on tires with no lugnuts. So, they totaled my car and we are now in the process of looking for a new used minivan!! I am so thankful that no one was injured.
     Thomas was in his first Christmas program where he sat in a cute buggie and looked handsome while the older kids sang Christmas songs, it was so sweet. I love him so.
     I have recently found a group of girls that I LOVE hanging out with at church, and most of them attend a group called MOPS, so I plan on going to these MOPS meetings when I can from now on. I have such a good time everytime I hang out with these girls, it feels like I have known them forever. It is nice to have a common bond of Jesus in our lives.
     I am finding out how much my husband really does love me lately. I have to admit that sometimes it is easier to joke about him or tell funny stories about him because he does some pretty funny stuff. But, here lately, he is so focused on the upcoming Volleyball Tournament Fundraiser that is makes me see how much he cares. He is working very hard and he is so passionate about everything. I know it will be a great success because he is giving his all! I am proud of him.
     One other wonderful thing Paul did for me this month made my heart very happy. He went to my MEND support group that helps me with the loss of the twins. I have always wanted him to come with me and he even opened up and talked about things that I have needed to hear for so long. Then, this other woman started talking about her wonderful doctor, and you guessed it, she was talking about my Dr. Rowe. We spent some time telling everyone about our experiences praying with Dr. Rowe, crying with him, laughing with him, and we loved how all the rooms were private and each room had a bed for the husband to sleep in too.
     We started teaching 11th grade Sunday School this year and I absolutely love it. I am blessed every week by the wonderful teenagers at our church. I find myself really looking forward to spending time with them and seeing them each week.
     Okay, now to my doctor's appt. I hate this part. Last Friday, I had a CT scan, MRI, and labwork done. Today, I received those results. I now have three tumors (If I get any more, I am off the list, scary), they have not shrunk like they were supposed to (imagine that, I have something feisty in me), and my blood sugar was really elevated. So, they will call me tomorrow with a date for my next TACE procedure, and I have to go to a doctor about my blood sugar. I am nervous because I found the TransArterialChemotherapyEmbolism procedure painful last time and I was extremely nauseated last time. If you know me, you know I HATE to vomit, I feel like I am never going to be able to breath again, but I was thinking about a friend I have that faces physical struggles everyday as she was born without arms or legs, and I suddenly realize that I have so much to be thankful for, you INSPIRE me Ana.
     I cannot wait for Christmas! We talked about it and every year, we are only going to buy Thomas 3 gifts, we figure if 3 was enough for Jesus, then 3 is enough for Thomas! Some friends of ours do this and we both really liked this idea when we heard it. I love my son so much!
    A huge PRAISE!! I have blogged about my friend Misty before that struggled with infertility for a long time! Guess what? She and her husband adopted a baby a couple of weeks ago and my heart fills up with joy for her everytime she crosses my mind. I plan on meeting him really soon, but Thomas has been sick for the last couple of weeks, so I am trying to wait on him to get better because I do not want to bring any germs to little precious Levi.
     I found my post-twins journal and plan on sharing some entries from it soon, if I can muster up the strength. It is scary to let people into the dark places in your life, but I think it would help people to understand what a woman feels like after a loss of a baby.

What an awesome Thanksgiving We Had!!

2011-11-28T01:44:00.000-08:00

That felt good to share my journal entries with you. I have a journal I kept after my babies went to be with Jesus and I am not yet ready to share those thoughts with you, I was definitely in a different place all together.

So, I might go as far to say that this Thanksgiving was the best I have ever had. Last year was wonderful because I had Thomas, but this one will forever be special to me. First off, I took off the whole week of Thanksgiving. I wanted to spend time with my little family while Paul is off and do lots of fun stuff. It is important to me to make memories with my son and husband. On Friday, I found out that this amazing woman I work with Jo Ann had somehow managed to get us 3 U of H game tickets. So, on Saturday, November 19, Paul, Jerry, and I went to the game and had a great time. The game was sold out and had the highest attendance ever in the history of the stadium. It was a fantastic day and a great time. I can't thank Jo Ann enough for her kindness, she truly blessed us!

Sunday, we went to church, Thomas wore his special turkey shirt made by Becca Smith!! Paul worked in the nursery and I was able to hear a great sermon that seemed like the pastor was talking directly to me, I love those days. Sunday School was even better, I love working with the youth department. Afterwards, we went to Paul's favorite restaurant, Red Lobster! He was in heaven. Thomas loved it too. That evening, I went to see THE HELP at the dollar movies with my mom, what a great movie that was!

On Monday, we went to JCPennys to see our favorite photo girl Claudia to have our Christmas cards done! They were running a special that ended on Tuesday, so we were able to squeeze a session in. Then, I went to my post-op appt for my recent oral surgery and it took all of one minute! I decided I like dentists/oral surgeons more than regular doctors because they don't ever weigh you!

On Tuesday, we headed up to my work to say hello and then we went to the zoo. It had rained earlier, but it turned out to be a gorgeous day and hardly anyone was at the zoo. I got some great pics of Paul and Thomas together. I love taking pictures of them!

Wednesday, I started cooking, cleaning, etc.. Paul was busy doing man stuff after he drove to pick up his Nana and Papa for Thanksgiving. I love cooking for special events, I think it is so fun. I had everything ready so that I just had to pop it in the oven in the morning for about an hour! We went to see Thomas' first movie today. We saw THE MUPPET'S. Paul and I both loved the Muppet's growing up, so we thought this would be the perfect movie! Thomas liked it, but he loved the stairs in the theater a little more and loved climbing up and down. Paul chased him all night and then, we went home and relaxed a bit before the big day.

Thursday, we ate Thanksgiving lunch at Paul's Aunt Celinda and Uncle Rick's house. The food was great, but the company was even better. I love Nana, she is like my own grandmother, full of wisdom and goodness. I could listen to her talk all day. We got lots of great pictures of Thomas with his cousins Hannah and Mason! After letting our food digest a bit, we left and I went home to cook the food for my family get-together at 6:00. My family meets at the Deer Park Fire Hall every Thanksgiving and I love it. The food, family, friends, decor, smells, laughter, all of it, I love. But, I really enjoy the BINGO! We have so much fun playing this game as a family. This year, I pulled the numbers and called them out. I had a blast. It is fun to watch a 60+ year old person get so excited over winning BINGO! After BINGO was over, I did something I swore I would never do again, I went to Black Friday (really Thursday) at Toys R Us with Paul. We had an absolute blast. I am done shopping for all the children I buy for at Christmas, even Thomas. Paul and I are a good shopping team and we are both able to talk each other out of a purchase that we really don't need. We were both so excited after we finished, so we went home to our baby, but none of us could fall asleep! I stopped for a minute and thanked God because I felt so good, so happy, so excited, so ready for the holidays! I love this time of year. It has been a couple of years since I could say that and mean it. Thank you God for renewing my heart and giving me REAL joy again.

I had a hard time getting up and moving on Friday, but after doing a few loads of laundry, a nap with Thomas, and some cleaning, we packed our bags and headed to Danbury, Tx to enjoy Thanksgiving fun with the Reim family. I feel so blessed to call this family my friends. They are simply put-true examples of the love of Christ. We had a wonderful, relaxing, emotional, unexpected blessed time. Paul and I already talked about next year and how we are going to get there bright and early on Friday morning next time because we didn't really want to leave when we did. All different branches of the family were there and it was a place so full of love. All different races present, an array of ages present, and a plethora of good people. We made crafts, watched movies, watched a cute talent show put on by the kiddos, ate great food, had lots of hot chocolate, sat out by the bonfire, great conversations, caught up with old friends, and the list goes on. I enjoyed meeting a lot of new people and I really enjoyed catching up with long-time friend Rachel Hunt. I have missed her friendship. We never had a falling out or anything, we just got busy with different activities in high school and were in different circles of friends, but she is still an amazing woman! I loved watching her now as a wife and a mother, she truly loves her little family and I am so glad I was able to spend time with her. I talked lots to Lana and Misty and their families as well. Their parents are incredible! I went up to the Lodge not knowing what to expect, but I was truly blessed. The family had befriended a Vietnamese family that had overcome some huge obstacles. Last year at this time, the young mother was fighting for her life after a severe traumatic brain injury, she was pregnant at the time, so her little girl that was born very premature was in the NICU, and the husband was being stretched as thin as possible between the two. They had just moved here to Houston and had no family. Misty's mother-in-law was their baby's nurse and she became close to them and then all the family started loving and helping out this family. Long story short, this mother defied all the odds and proved to be a living miracle and is now walking after they told her she would not. She is talking, joking, holding her baby girl, she is smiling, breathing on her own, she is ALIVE. Through all of this, the family has come to know the Lord and Phong, the husband shared their story and pictures of their journey. I was so touched. I told them that I want to be doing this same thing next year, I want to be telling them of the new liver I have received and all that God has done for me in my life. Then, Misty asked if they could pray for us. My heart was so touched. The Reims raised some wonderful kids. I was moved to tears as they prayed for me and my family. I could hear how Misty really did put herself in my shoes and she prayed the same way I pray, I don't want to leave my baby without a mom. Then, to hear Lana pray and hurt for others. It is so comforting to know that people like this really do exist, people full of goodness. Both Patti and Martin Reim prayed as well and shortly after, we had to head back home on Saturday night. I left with a little extra pep in my step, I could feel how their prayers had lifted my spirits, I am so blessed. I can't wait until next Thanksgiving!

Sunday, we went to church and Paul taught the lesson. It was a great lesson with good analogies. We brought breakfast for the kiddos and then we ran a few errands. I had to get home to take a nap because I have to work tonight. I had a wonderful week off and my body, mind, and especially my soul feel renewed. I hope all of you had a wonderful holiday as well.

Words From My Journaling

2011-11-28T00:45:00.000-08:00

I found my journal from my pregnancy with the twins. I thought I would share:

Thursday, November 5, 2009

First morning in the hospital after being admitted yesterday. First, I feel so blessed to have Dr. Rowe as my doctor- I am amazed that there is even a doctor like him in existence. I feel so loved after all of the friends and family that came by to see me. ( Mom, Dad, Tricia, Karina, John Emerick, Pawpaw, Heather, Susan, Booley, Tricia H, Kim, Susan, Deb, Karen, Celinda, Rick, Kay, Mary, Dee Anne, Jerry, Billy and Danny). I want my boys to meet this amazing family I have and love.
Jamie Hodges told Karen to have me read Psalm 91 today. She must really be close to the Lord because it is exactly what I needed to read.
* I do dwell in the shelter of the Most High
*I will rest in the shadow of the Almighty
*He will and does always save me-even though I don't deserve it
*I wand to find refuge under His loving wings
*His faithfulness is my shield
*I want to dwell in the Most High
*He will guard me in all my ways
*Because I love Him-He will rescue me
*He will protect me

How can God love me so much that he wants to do all of these things for me? I am so happy that I know Christ as my Savior- I want Him to use me and my twins for His glory. I may not even understand why I have to work so hard or fight for things, but I know God is preparing me for something amazing. He has blessed me with a family like no other and friends that make me feel loved and special. I love my husband, aunts, uncles, cousins, mom, dad, brother, sister, and niece so much. Pawpaw continues to surprise me and love me-he is such a good man. Lord- thank you for giving me such a strong support group to love and care for me. you know my needs and you understand how much I need people. You are my strength Lord- I GIVE MY BABIES TO YOU AND MY HEALTH TO YOU LORD- You know the plan and I trust in Your plan for my life because ultimately my life is Yours. (Can you believe I really wrote these exact words in my journal?)
Lord- Thank you for Paul- I know I am hard on him and expect a lot, but he is really stepping it up here lately and I appreciate him. I am so glad that Jerry and DeeAnne were here for him when he needed them. I am sorry for being selfish sometimes and putting him on guilt trips. I keep thinking that these are your babies Lord and You are trusting us to take care of them here on earth. Thank you so much for Dr. Rowe-words can't express how I feel about him. He is one person that is definitely doing exactly what you asked him to do with his life. Please protect him and keep him safe, strong, and healthy.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Lord, thank you for another day of babies in my belly. Thank you for letting them move inside of me. I don't know how your mother ever let you hand on that cross-I can't even begin to imagine her agony. I love my little boys so much and Jesus you were perfect-I know Mary loved you so much. I don't want my little guys to experience pain, much less death. I guess God knew what He was doing when He chose Mary, she has strength beyond human capacity.
Psalm 90,92, and 93
He is my Rock! God-Your works are great.
The Lord Reigns
The Lord is Mighty

Visitors yesterday- Heather B, Heather S, Marty S, Mom, Dad, Rick, Celinda, Susan M, Karen,Weldon Eubanks, Cotton, Pastor Rob, John. People that called Pree, Judy, KeaShawn, Pawpaw, Kay, Kim, Tricia H, Robby, and more)

My prayers:
Please be with Kea Shawn as she looks for a job and interviews today. Thank you for all of your many blessings in my life. I love you so much Lord. Thank you for loving me- I pray for all those people who don't know you. Please help me spread your love to them. Please perform a miracle in the cord of my babies-I know you are in the miracle business.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Guess what? It looks like I may get to see my beloved Bruschi this morning, which brings a big smile to my face. I know God blessed me with my dogs. My room looks lovely this morning with two beautiful flower bouquets my brother brought by last night. My wonderful nurse from last night brought in two vases for the flowers-her name is Christy. The nurses here have been amazing! Thank you Lord for such wonderful, caring nurses that are taking care of me. Lots of people have been calling and are praying for me. I will pray that God can use this situation to honor and glorify Him and further His kingdom. God-thank you so much for my Aunt Tricia- she truly is Your vessel. I feel I have so much to learn from her yet. She is like my "Christian mother," teaching me how to live a life that reflects Christ in all that I say and do. She is a true gift in my life. She called ALL the people invited to the baby shower last night, which took a grand load off of my shoulders.
Today, I am going to read a scripture passage that my boss Kathy Schock sent me. I feel God places scripture on people's heart to share with me.
Philippians Chapter 4
*Rejoice in the Lord ALWAYS
*Do not be anxious about anything
*Be content in any and every situation
*God will meet all my needs

In all situations and experiences we go through, God is always teaching us and growing us. I have been sitting here the past few days wondering what it is that God is teaching me. The funny thing is that there is no way for me to know that God's plan is right now, but my desire it to continue growing closer and closer to Him.

My prayer today is when the Bennett's arrive, please allow Paul time with his family to fellowship and gather strength from them. Thank you for all of the many blessings in my life and help me Lord to stay positive with my eyes on You alone.

Visitors from yesterday: Heather B., Mom, John E., Tricia, Karen, Neill, Celinda, and The Lyles.

D-DAY Sunday, November 8, 2009

Yesterday proved to be a little more trying for me. I gained 3 lbs of fluid, which makes breathing and getting around so much harder. Throughout the day it was mainly time with Paul and my mom and brother. A burst of visitors came by all at the same time in the evening. It make my night that Kim Culpepper's mom came by to see me- I know she is a prayer warrior. I had a few episodes of not being able to breath yesterday, which is quite scary. I feel sorry for people who have to live like this day by day.

Visitors from yesterday: John, Rhonda C, Jerry and DeeAnne Bennett, Mary B, Pawpaw, Kay W, Deb, Susan, Russell, Nina, Mom, Bruschi, and Paul.

Psalm 46
* God is my refuge and strength, He is my ever-present help in trouble
*I will not fear
*Be still and know that He is God
*God is my fortress

-Dr. Rowe is here it do my ultrasound, be back later!

**As you know, my ultrasound showed that Jacob's heart had stopped beating and Benjamin was in trouble. I has an emergency C-Section and my life was forever changed that day...

These writings are word-for-word out of my journaling.. It is weird how God was preparing me, but I truly never saw it coming.

Finding out I had the "C" word

2011-11-20T21:31:00.000-08:00

Let me clear-up one thing before I start this new blog. All the comments said to me during my grieving process, I knew in the back of my head that everyone meant well and had good intentions, I simply wanted to let people know how certain comments made me feel. Having a baby die is different than other experiences of grief. What I mostly felt was loved throughout this long road. I have been truly blessed with the most wonderful family, friends, co-workers, church friends, and the list goes on. I only want to help you out if you ever have someone close to you go through a loss of a baby. I have always been the person that likes to help out others in times of need, but I found myself needing others and I was blessed to have tons of support.

     Okay, so I always run into people who ask me when I am going to talk about my diagnosis. It is still hard for me to say it. I practice saying it in the mirror, because it still really doesn't feel like this is my life. This summer was busy. My doctor had asked me to have an MRI and EGD done at my appt in May. I put it off for a while, I guess I was nervous. You know when deep in your gut you know something is wrong in your body, well, I had that intuition, but I kept it completely to myself. I had been experiencing a lot of pain on my right upper quadrant of my abdomen, lots of nausea/vomiting, I had been having lots of diarrhea, and I felt more tired than I ever have before. No one seemed to notice because I am the world's greatest at hiding my hurt. The only person I know of that caught on the my game recently was my cousin Lisa. We were at my second cousin's birthday party and I was in a lot of pain and she said something to me. She asked if I was okay and I treated her like she was crazy for asking, I lied and said I was fine. I guess all of her years as a nurse taught her how to spot a person in pain, or maybe she has figured me out. She married my cousin Robby, and I hope he knows what a jewel he married that day. I know she loves me and I can trust her fully. Just about a year ago, she knocked on my door in tears. She came to me and she told me that her mother had been diagnosed with lung cancer. When you are a nurse, you know there are certain diagnosis that you never want to hear. I cried right along with her and then she asked me a question that made me realize one of the reasons I went through the loss of my babies. She asked me," How do you plan a funeral, how do you survive it?" I told her that I didn't know, but somehow you just get through it, God helped me through it, Paul helped me through it. Lisa has no idea how special she made me feel that she came and told me and let me console her, I needed to be on the other side of grieving. I wanted to give back to all the people that helped me, people like Lisa. I want to let you know that her mother is doing amazing and had surgery to remove the lung that had cancer and she is running around Pasadena looking cuter than ever. Lisa is a wonderful daughter, mother, wife, cousin, sister, friend, nurse, person, I could go on. I am so happy that Lisa has her mother with her for another Christmas and I am sure they will spend many more holidays together.

     Okay, I keep avoiding it, I hate that I have this. Summer was busy and I kept avoiding the MRI, but I finally answered one time when St. Luke's called to schedule my appts. I scheduled them for July 15 for my MRI and July 21 for my EGD. I always joke with my doctor that I will keep doing what he asks until he tells me I have to have a colonoscopy. I went for my MRI, and it seemed to take a long time, this always makes me nervous. I left and the radiology technician told me my results would be with Dr. Ankoma-Sey by Monday. When I saw my doctor on Thursday before he did my EGD, I asked him about my MRI, he told me that it must have been great because I hadn't received a call from him. I was put to sleep and when I woke, I felt good, my EGD was normal, so my mom and I left and we went to lunch and then home. We started getting everything ready for my brother's wedding. We were flying out on July 28th, John's birthday is July 29th, and his wedding is July 30! I was busy getting clothes washed and I had to work on Monday and Tuesday before we were scheduled to fly out. On Tuesday, July 26, 2011, our sweet secretary at work overhead paged me to say that I had a call at the nurses station. I walked up and picked-up the phone expecting to get report from the PACU on my patient, but it was Dr. Ankoma-Sey's nurse and she said, "Mrs. Bennett, Dr. Ankoma-Sey is on the line and needs to speak to you, I am hanging up." This huge lump swelled up in my throat and I don't know if this makes any sense, but I tried not to hear. I knew when the doctor himself called, it was NEVER GOOD NEWS. He is from Ghana, Africa and he told me the news in his sweet accent. So, in front of a ton of people, I heard him say it, but I made him say it twice. He told me I had liver cancer and I told him there was no way he could know that, I want a biopsy. He said that he did know it and a biopsy was out of the question and that I needed to have some tests done to clear me so I could be added to the Liver Transplant list. I told him that he told me my MRI was okay this past Thursday, he must have called the wrong patient. He said I had to have a chext x-ray, metastatic bone scan, and chest CT done, if all of these were free of cancer, I could be placed on the list. My knees had failed me for the second time, they got all wiggley, I needed air. Hey EVERYONE, stop working, please slow-down, someone help me. Carmen knew something was wrong by my reaction, but she never gets into anyone elses business. Roxanne, a very godly woman I work with knew something was up as well. I scheduled the tests for the next day, Wednesday, because I was flying to Los Angeles on Thursday. I would see Dr. Ankoma-Sey when I returned on Wednesday, August 2. Dates have always been important to me, I can remember all of these dates like my own birthdate. It is weird, the things I fixate on. I quietly walked down to an empty room, room 713 and I called Paul. He listened and then said something I now think funny because he didn't know what to say. He said, "you really need to eat better?" I was like, HUH? Did you just hear me, I have cancer in my liver, I have a baby, I have plans, I am scared, I don't want to die, I need you, why is this happening, can you call and see if they called the right person, don't tell my brother-I don't want to ruin his wedding. All these thoughts, Paul quickly realized that he just said whatever popped in his head and he apologized and then comforted me and asked a lot of questions, questions I didn't have the answers to. I kept hearing something my doctor had said, he had not expected me to get cancer so soon, I am so young. I called my mom and sister next, then Karen and Neill. I needed Neill to tell me how he could know I had cancer without a biopsy. He explained things to me and I wanted to know why I wasn't yellow. Am I going to lose my hair? I know that seems so vain, but I have felt my head before and I know it is shaped funny. My mind was racing. I got myself together and then I went and completed my work day. I was able to act like nothing had happened, but I told Roxanne because she knew something was up and she has continued to check on my daily and bless me with her kindness. I texted my friend Kelly Bircher, because she only texts, but she called me right back and had a ton of questions. She is a super nurse and immediately was getting a plan together on how we were going to attack this thing. We have an unspoken bond, a common nursing philosophy, we both believe EVERYONE deserves great care, that is why she is saving tons of lives as a lifeflight nurse, I am so proud of her for going after her dream and succeeding.
    What was I supposed to do now? I went for my tests the next day with my sister and since they were ordered stat, we had the results within an hour. NO CANCER IN MY BONES or LUNGS, but I had some nodules in my thyroid and a spot on my ovary. More appts in my future I could foresee. I love my sister, she handled all the insurance stuff for me and she is a ROCK. She never lets me down. I was quiet for a few days, I wasn't sure how I felt. This is something I only recently shared with those I am closest to. The thing I struggle with the most is prayer. How and what do I pray for? I was really frank with God. I had prayed since I was in junior high to never have to be like my dad when it came to my health, I had asked God to never let me have to be dependent on medication or have to go to the doctor much. Then, I get diagnosed with an autoimmune illness and I am told I will have to take medication for the rest of my life, great. Then, I had prayed for my babies, everyday, I prayed for them to live. Then, my babies died. If I pray for healing or for a new liver, or for a miracle, will God do the opposite yet again? These are my real thoughts people, I ask God lots of tough questions because I treat Him like my father. You can ask my brother and sister, I have never been afraid to ask my dad tough questions. My dad probably wishes I wasn't so bold, but I know he loves me just like God loves me, unconditionally. You see, I want God to answer my prayers the way I tell Him to answer them, I realized I am selfish and a little ignorant. God knows so much more than me and His ways are better. He sees the whole picture. I have come to terms with my mortality, I feel the freedom of knowing I am saved by the blood of Christ, I look forward to being reunited with my sons, I realize that I do not know the best plan, I only know my desires. I desire to live, to love, to watch my son grow into a man, I want to continue to forgive people, I want to give compassionate nursing care to others, I want to see Karina get married and become a mother, I want to see Paul achieve all the dreams he has, I want to own a horse, I want to retire someday, I want to do random acts of kindness in the name of Jesus, I want to go to Hawaii, I want to complete my bucket list. I always joke with my family that if I ever go to the doctor and then immediately after plan a trip to Hawaii, I am dying. I want to see that crazy island before I leave this earth. It may sound silly or little, but I want to eat fresh pineapple and run in the water, taste the ocean water, lay in a hammock, see a volcano, walk on hot coals, hula dance, and I could go on forever. In my next post, I want to tell you how I now know that I actually prayed for cancer without knowing that was what I was praying for. You see, my cancer is an answered prayer, a gift if you will.

Things You Should Never Say to a Grieving Mother

2011-11-13T17:32:00.000-08:00

   I am redoing this post because I may have hurt people's feelings with the original post, and that was not my intention. So, let me clear-up a few things before I start. I mentioned that ministers and people that were trained professionals said some really hurtful comments. What I meant by mentioning that was this: don't expect ministers to always know the right thing to say, just because they went to school doesn't mean they know how to deal with every situation. Lots of mothers that experienced a loss like I did have stopped going to church because a minister hurt their feelings by saying something that hurt them. I would never want someone to stop going to church, my Sunday School group really helped me heal after the boys died, and they are still a place of strength and support for me. All the people that said things to me that hurt my feelings had good intentions, they were trying to comfort me. The point of this is to help people in the future if they run across someone going through a loss like this. I can't tell you how therapuetic this blog is for me, it is as if when I write these things down, I am releasing all the anger, pain, and sadness that I have been holding on to for the past two years. The two year anniversary just passed, I can't believe it has been that long, I still cry in the shower for them, that is my safe place to grieve.
     There are five things that really stuck out to me that hurt my heart.

1. "Babies die every day, get over it." More than one person said this where I could hear, or said it to me, or they said just one half of this quote. They would remind me that babies die all the time, or they would tell me I needed to get over it. When I would hear this, I would think that yes babies do die every day, but not my babies. I have never experienced something like this and I was trying to move forward, I don't know if I will ever "get over it." I would never tell a grieving child that "mothers die everyday," because even if the mother they were grieving for was 100 years old, it is still that person's mother. We never want to lose the ones we love. Death is hard, period.
2. "If you were a good Christian, you would be happy your babies were dead and with Jesus," I really don't think this comment needs much explanation, but I believe all Christians to be good. I would challenge that person to switch places with me and lose their children, then they could tell me if they were happy. I know that this experience helped bring me closer to Jesus and treat Him like He really was my father. I finally had strong emotions towards Him and I talk to Jesus so much more now. I will never say I am HAPPY my babies died, it would be a lie.
3. "You are so lucky, you have two little angels in heaven looking out for you." Now, I honestly know that these people were being very kind to me, but I wanted my babies and still want my babies here on earth, not flapping around somewhere in the heavens. I never felt lucky that they died, it still brings me great sadness. I never really knew what to say to someone that said that to me. I would just remind myself that I might have said this same statement before my babies died.
4. "This is all part of God's great plan for you." I know that God has His plan and that He knew when I was in my mother's womb what would happen, however, these words brought me NO comfort. If I wasn't a believer, I am afraid these words would have pushed me away from Him. Once again, I must say that I knew people were trying to be nice, so I wouldn't get mad at the person, but it would actually make me a little madder at God. I would constantly talk to Him about His plan for me. What else did He have in store for me? At the time, I only believed there would be more pain in my future. At the time, it was really hard to find the "silver lining."
5. "Trina, I am so SORRY." For me, this phrase made me very uncomfortable because the natural response to this phrase is, "it's okay," but it wasn't okay. I usually thought in my head, "why are you sorry?" I didn't understand why this had happened, and the only person I wanted to hear "I'm sorry," from was God. I needed Him to tell me that He was sorry. I know that God is not sorry and even now I can see how He was laying out the framework for my future, but I was hurting so much. Now, I never tell anyone that has lost someone that I am sorry. I tell them that I hurt for them and that I am praying for them, especially for healing of their heart.

    While there were lots of things that hurt my feelings, there were also lots of wonderful, thoughtful things done for us. We received tons of homemade meals. Paul's Aunt Celinda made us several meals after the funeral and then all the time during my pregnancy with Thomas. Paul's sister also cooked a few meals for us to help me out. One person in particular that touched my heart was Ann Fillipinni, I think the spelling is right! She is my Aunt Kay's boss and the leader of the Mother's Day Out Program at First Presbyterian Church where Thomas now attends. She made us a meal and gave me the sweetest card. She never had even met me, but she had heard through my aunt and felt the need to reach out to me. I told her when I signed Thomas up for her program that I wanted him to be around people like her that did such a great job of sharing the love of Jesus with others.
    My cousin that I talk about all the time Karen has a wonderful boyfriend, Neill. Neill is a doctor and always helps to explain things to me on my level and explain why a doctor might order certain tests, especially when I start getting scared. Neill was at the hospital all the time during the boys birth and short life. He helped me with so many questions and I kept thinking how lucky his patients are when they have to receive bad news because Neill is so kind-hearted and he really cares for people. He is very gentle and soft, yet he is a man's man at the same time. He has experienced two significant losses in his life as well. It was like, he understood me and he just stayed close. He came over almost every day with my cousin and he would just sit with me. He knew I didn't need to be alone. He knew that when I was alone, those bad thoughts starting creeping in and the crying would become uncontrollable. He sang my favorite worship song at the funeral. He sang it so beautifully, I hugged him for a long time after that song, he touched my heart. I am so glad that he uses the gifts that God gave him to help others. He is one of those people that is good at everything he does. I am thankful that my cousin picked such a wonderful man to bring into our lives. I still remember when she told me in her giddy little voice "I met the hottest guy at work, he is a doctor and he plays the piano, I think I really like him." He has made my cousin a better person and I believe she has made him a better person. I love them both and can't wait for them to get married and have lots of babies. They are going to be so smart and talented, and really cute. My cousin is already a great "mom" to all of our kids, so it will be a breeze for her to mother her own babies.
     The only advice I can give to you when dealing with grieving mothers is this, it is what my Momma taught me my whole life: Put yourself in their shoes and then decide if what you may say or do would hurt your feelings. Thanks for reading, I enjoy running into people that tell me they are reading my blog, this blog has helped my healing so much.

A Wonderful Phone Call Yesterday

2011-11-06T13:20:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I was taking a little nap with Thomas, when my phone rang. I had been ignoring everyone else because I was napping, but I would never ignore this call. One of my previous student's named Timmy was calling, and Timmy holds a very special place in my heart. Timmy is one of those kids that has every excuse in the book to have a chip on his shoulder. He went without a lot of things in his life, but he never complained about it. While I was a teacher, God gave me insight sometimes about certain kids, and Timmy was one of them. Other teachers wrote him off because he always wore hoodies, he was quiet, he flew under the radar. You could easily miss him if you weren't looking. What I noticed about Timmy was: he has a sweet spirit, he had great hair, his smile was genuine and never fake, he did not act like someone he was not, he was brilliant, he was compassionate, he was sensitive, and he noticed the small things. Good grades came easy for him, he was simple in the fact that he did not need much to be content, while other students had everything they could wish for and were still so miserable. He is full of talent, and when he is your friend, he will always care for you, he is loyal. He has called me every Christmas, and I look forward to those calls. See, I saw that he was special, but he makes me feel special by always remembering me. I called his dad while I was his teacher to tell him what a wonderful son he had. I know his dad must be proud of him. Timmy has joined the Navy and he is stationed in Illinois right now. I am so proud of him, he is making something of himself.
His call made my day. I needed to hear his voice and I didn't even know it. One story I have to tell you about Timmy is that he walked to Paul and I's wedding reception in late May. He was all sweaty by the time he got there and he must have walked at least 5 miles to get there. Who does that for someone? He made that day so special for me. I couldn't believe he walked in the heat to be there for my special day. I hope he knows how much I love and care for him. I have prayed for Timmy for a long time, and it looks like God has been taking good care of him. I can't wait to see what the future holds for him. I know he will be a great success. I used to dream about paying for him to go to college, but Timmy took that into his own hands. I just pray that God protects him and looks out for him, especially if he ever has to go to war.

Life With Thomas

2011-11-06T12:54:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I told you about the day of Thomas' birth, the most wonderful day of my entire life, but I haven't told you all about the past year. After bringing Thomas home, I know I was a lot more over-protective than most moms. I knew this and I warned people about it. It is my job to protect him when he is so tiny. I watched him sleep all the time, I never really put him down at all the first couple of months before I returned to work. I love the feel of his skin next to mine, and I must say that there is no other feeling like the feeling you get while you are breastfeeding your child. I mean, God thought of everything when He created us, and this is such a special gift we are given. It took a good month before we successfully latched-on every feeding, but I was determined to breast feed. I had to supplement the entire time with formula due to my previous breast reduction surgery, but I am so thankful that I was able to breast feed at all. I mentioned before about having a baby and how it forces you to improve your communication with your spouse, and that is what happened. Paul and I had to start communicating much more to coordinate our schedules, dr appts, and such.
     When I went back to work on November 29, I cried the whole way to work. I don't think I could have left him to go back to work if my mom was not the one taking care of him. My mom loves him like I do, she feeds him like I do, she bathes him like I do, she does things the same way I do because she is the one that taught me all of these things in the first place. I wish I could put into words how I feel about my mother. She is simply full of goodness and kindness. She always puts herself last, and never complains about it. The fact that I have liver cancer now is harder on her than I think it is on me. I have to tell her that if she goes to an appt with me, she has to promise not to cry. She cries a lot for me, which I hate. I don't want her to hurt. We never had much money growing up, so I was not spoiled with "things," but instead spoiled with love and acts of love. I never knew how to do laundry until I went away to college, I never had to clean my room too much, I never had to cook for myself, but my mom did teach us how to cook. My mom did so much for me during my childhood and she never seemed to be tired, but I know she had to have been exhausted at the end of every day. I love watching my mom interact with people, she never meets a stranger and my mom would seriously give you the shirt off of her back, I have seen her do this. I am able to talk to my mom all day while I am at work and I often call and talk to Thomas. I wish I didn't have to work, but I do. I find comfort knowing my son is in the arms of someone I fully trust. She always respects my wishes and does what I ask, even if she doesn't agree with my philosophy. I hope to be just like her someday. I would love to care for Thomas' children someday. I love it when someone tells me that I remind them of my mother. I wish I could repay my mother for all that she has done for me, she is who I want when I am sick. She knows how to care for me like no one else, I hope to be like this for Thomas. If I do die, I want my mom to still care for Thomas and teach him all about me and what I was like, she is the one that knows all my stories.
     The things I love the most about being a mom to Thomas, are the looks I get when I come home after a long day at work. His smile can melt away any feelings of sadness I might have had before. I can feel my soul being lifted just from his smile, and then he will reach his arms out for me and my heart goes straight to mush. These moments are gifts, I treasure each of these times! These moments make up for all the hard times when kids are teenagers, my bank is full of love deposits from Thomas right now. We still snuggle every night, and I could care less what anyone has to say about Thomas sleeping with us, I feel like I am spending every bit of time I can with him when I have him next to me all night. I can feel him breathing, see him breathing, feel his warmth all night and he loves to cuddle too. My son wakes up happy like I do, once I am up, I am ready to go! Thomas wakes up smiling and talking! I enjoy the mornings with him so much. He makes it hard to want to leave the house. I love watching him play and try to figure out how things work. He is very curious. I love watching him go to other people and interact with them. I want him to love people the way I do, people are good you know. I want him to brighten up other people's days the way he brightens mine. My mom has always called me "her little sunshine," and now I understand what she means. Thomas is my sunshine, he makes me so happy, he makes waking up each day a gift. I know my time could be limited on this earth, so I want to spend as much time with him as possible. I'm so glad that he loves to go out and about, I can take this kid anywhere and he acts wonderful. I don't know how anyone can have a baby and not believe in God, you know instantly that God exists when you look at your baby for the first time. There is no way that we were an accident of cells merging or evolution, give me a break, God made us, He is the only one that could make a baby so perfect, and He thought of everything! I have no idea how Mary watched as her baby hung on that cross, I can't wait to bump into her in heaven and find out how a mother could be that selfless and strong, I am afraid I would have pulled Thomas off of that cross. You see, I still have a long way to go in my walk with Christ, but I desire to be this selfless someday.
     In two days, November 8, 2011, it will be two years since the birth of Benjamin and Jacob. I made sure to be off of work that day, so I can go to the cemetery in the morning and sing my babies "Happy Birthday." Please pray for me, as this is a hard day for me, and Thomas will never know how much he helps me get through these hard days. It is hard for me to remember that girl that existed on November 7, 2009. I used to want to go back and be that girl again, but I see now that God has His own unique plan for me, I only wish I could see how it all will turn out.

I Saw A Glimpse of the Way My Life Could Be

2011-10-23T19:07:00.000-07:00

   I had a very emotional day at work last week. I saw what my life could have been like if Benjamin had lived. We were told about a bunch of "white" spots in his brain representing severe brain damage, so if he survived, he would be extremely disabled. My response the the doctor when he told me this was,"I will change his diapers until he is 100 years old!" I knew I could handle it, I had worked with disabled people of all ages my entire life. I have always wanted to live like them in a sense! They don't worry about all the hoopla in the world, they brighten up lives and remind us to appreciate what we have more often. I was definitely up for the challenge. I imagine I would have had to stop working to take care of him full-time, I would work with him as much as I could to bring him to the highest point he could reach, I would be proud of him everyday of my life.
     Like I said before, last week a wonderful family came in with a teenage son that had severe developmental delays. I was working on his admission, when this child that is old enough to be driving, needed his diaper changed. I went to close the door so people passing in the hall could not see in, and after my five steps to the door, I turned to find that the parents had already changed his diaper. They were an awesome team. They were happy, they were patient, they were in love, and they were up for this challenge. I wondered if Paul and I would have survived a child like this and if we could handle it with such grace. You see, in my profession, I work with lots of disabled children and I have noticed how many are from divorced homes. This puts a strain on a marriage, but I have witnessed the strength of a marriage that survives the first few years of dealing with a child that needs more from you than you even think you have in you. I admire this family. They are stronger as a unit, this is evident. I would love to give them a weekend away to enjoy one another as a couple. This couple were Christians and we talked about our faith. They were giving God the glory for their marriage and they were so grateful for their son. I started getting sad when I thought about how many people make the decision to abort their baby if they find out anything is "wrong" with it. I would still want my baby, even if he had a diagnosis that made him be dependent upon me for the rest of his life. I would consider this an honor.
     Another family that comes to mind for me is the Suffron's that go to our church. This couple has become united in caring for George, and their son is doing things that doctors told them he would never do. Just goes to show you that no doctor can stop our God. I saw their son George walking today and my heart filled with joy, this is just one more milestone that they have reached. He is a miracle and he keeps showing those around him God's strength. I admire this couple and family. Amy makes mothering George look easy and she never complains. She even finds the time to come to nearly all of my fundraisers and all of the committee meetings for the fundraising planning. She has blessed my life in more ways than one.

Blessed Beyond Belief

2011-10-16T20:37:00.000-07:00

Tears flowed for me like a river this weekend. I cannot even begin to tell you in words how my heart feels right now. I never imagined there would be a turn-out of so many people for the softball tournament. I knew nearly everyone at the tournament, which is humbling. My eyes are still bloodshot from all the tears, tears of utter joy. I saw people from every walk and era of my life. From childhood best friends like Kim Culpepper Artall and Rachel Hogan Hunt to my college softball buddies, to former students, coworkers from all of my jobs, to Dr. Rowe! I had one of my friends, Heather Schumaker whom I have mentioned before tell me, "Katrinia, I have never seen you this happy!" She is right, because she had never seen me play softball before. I can't explain how playing softball makes me feel. It is where I am the most comfortable, the most confident, the most knowledgeable, and the one place I can forget all my troubles and be free. It has always been "that" place for me. I haven't talked too much about my childhood, but if I could sum it up in a phrase, I would have to say that Jesus and softball saved my life. They both gave me purpose, they both challenged me, they both loved me back. I never got into too much trouble throughout high school because I was too busy doing what I loved every weekend and all summer long, I was on the field. Softball always gave me an out. When I was too weak of a Christian to tell my friends that I didn't want to go out and drink or go places I knew I shouldn't, I would just blame it on softball. I would have to go to bed early because I had a game the next day. Both these things also saved me because they kept me from drinking alcohol, (I can count on one hand the number of times I drank alcohol). Little did I know at the time, my body was already in a battle with my liver. My doctor had told me that not drinking had probably saved my life by the time they found out what I had.
     Then, I originally went off to Sam Houston State where I played for one year, but we had a coaching change and a terrible experience all together and our team literally all left after that season. I went home and had what I call my "six months of rebellion," which was very mild comparatively. I got my bellybutton pierced, which makes me laugh now because I have never had a body that was very skinny, so I had no business getting this pierced, but my mom had told me that I couldn't get one, so I did. Then, I quit waitressing at a restaurant and starting being a cocktail waitress at a bar. I moved out of my parents' house and in with my sister and best friend Kim Culpepper. I was still in school at San Jac for the Fall semester. I would really call this my selfish period of life because I just didn't care about what everyone else thought, but I soon realized that this was not the life for me and this coach from Northeast Louisiana kept calling me and she wanted me to play softball for her. Little does she know that she caught me on a day that I was really down and I said YES, I will come there and play softball for you. It is crazy that one of the best decisions of my life was literally made on a whim. And of course, this story involves my cousin Karen. She drove with me up to the school to take my stuff and check out the school. It was a great weekend. See, she has ALWAYS been right there when I needed her.
     Going to what is now called ULM-University of Louisiana at Monroe made me start making my own decisions and stop depending on other people. I started making the decision to go to church as often as I could, to read my Bible everyday, to pray more, to share Jesus more, to love Jesus more. No one was dragging me to church and I wasn't going just so my parents wouldn't call me and ask where I was if I missed church. I was going to church because I loved the Lord. This coach at ULM, Coach Holloway had a big impact on my walk with Christ as well. Even if I didn't always agree with her coaching decisions, line-up decisions, or where we went for dinner as a team, I always had a connection with her because we both love and worship the same God. She was very involved with our FCA group and we volunteered every year at her church for the pumpkin patch sale. I knew that she loved her team and all her players. She still keeps up with me to this day and I am so grateful that she wanted me on her team because the relationships I made with my teammates and roommates, and the youth I served at my church are still some of the best and most important relationships in my life.
     Back to this weekend, my former teammates, "the Has Beens" came in from Oklahoma and Louisiana, and Texas. It is amazing how so much time can pass and we can pick up right where we left off. It was so fun to talk about all our fun memories. Mimi has the best memory of anyone I have ever met, she still remembers all the details of our games. Lori Tande organized the team and got everyone together. I can honestly say that she is the best player I ever had the privilege to play with. The best thing about her is that she has been and always will be humble. She is not prideful or arrogant about her talent. She would make plays that seemed impossible. I loved watching her play and bat. She is a natural. Jenny Buller came in to play as well and she is an outstanding player with more heart than can fit in her petite body. She is a better hunter than most men I know, she is beautiful, and she is a ball of fun. She is one of those people that everyone always wants to be around. She and her family are good people, they loved on me all through college and I can't imagine how many people have been blessed by her family. Anna Hancock came in town too. She has two girls, which I know was hard for her to leave them for a weekend. I only got to play with her for a couple of years, but she was consistently funny, and a hard worker. She is quick and can bat both left and right-handed (this always impresses me when people can do that). Anna is a good ole souther girl and she is so pretty. I hope her husband knows that he is a lucky man. A girl I didn't even have the opportunity to play with in college named Ashley came to play too. I mean, this meant so much to me that she would give up a whole day out of her life to do something for me. It amazes me that people I don't even know care for me. Both of the Dietzs came. I have known this family since I can remember. Their brother Ryan and Cousin Kyle, and Amy's husband Bobby played with us as well. We would not have won 3rd place if we didn't have Ryan, he was our pitcher and RBI king for the day. It was great that this family was able to play together. It felt like old times. Kristy still is involved with softball as a high school coach. She was the best lead-off hitter ever. She had an on-base percentage probably somewhere in the 90%! And she can run, steal bases, and slide like nobody's business. We may both live in Pasadena, but we rarely bump into each other, so it was great catching up. Amy is the girl that taught me not to beat myself up too much if I made an error or messed-up. Now, I would say that she was wise beyond her years. She is a gifted player, but she knew that this was not the most important thing in life. I can see now that her calling was to be a wonderful mother. Both of her children were in our dugout with us and they are two of the most pleasant children I have ever been around, and I am around a lot of kids! Amy and Kristy together are a great combination. Kristy and I are very similar with our competitiveness, it is ingrained in our beings. I never do something without trying to win, I don't see the point. I am already planning on practicing more for next year's tournament. I'm also planning on kicking this Cancer's Butt. I have no intentions of going down without a fight and I can see how everything that I have experienced in my life has only prepared me for this time, for the fight of my life. I will see my son off to college, I will see him get married, I will retire from my job someday, I will have more children, I will tell everyone I meet about the amazing God I serve. My God has blessed me with some of the best friends, best family, best coworkers, and best doctors a girl could have. I am about to go to sleep and use the very special quilt Mimi's mom made me with all the sweet comments my friends sent in, all three of my boys names are on my quilt, I love this quilt, a quilt made out of love. Thank you so much Lori for my quilt, I keep looking at it and noticing something new every time I look. I have so much more to share, but even my fingers are sore today after all those games yesterday, so I'm signing off for now, but I can't wait to tell you more, more of the good things.

Thomas is Here!!

2011-10-13T22:14:00.000-07:00

So, this is my favorite picture from the day Thomas was born, it still strikes an emotion within me when I see it. It was taken by one of my good friends from work, Susan Martinez. If I never said a word about that day, I feel like this picture expresses exactly how I was feeling.

This was my first attempt to load a picture, so bear with me, I hope to get better at this as I go. I am so excited to tell you about the best day of my life. On Monday, September 27, I had a regularly scheduled appt with the wonderful Dr. Rowe. I had been really worried because Dr. Rowe had scheduled a vacation for the first week in October (how dare him). My due date was not until Nov 1, so I guess he thought this would be okay, but I was already having contractions and he did not want me to contract very much since my first c-section had been through the thickest part of my uterus. I told him I had to have Thomas this week because I was naming my baby Thomas after him and I could not name my son Linda (that is the name of Dr.Rowe's partner). Well, sure enough, I had too much fluid around Thomas, I had lost my mucus plug, and I was starting to dilate. Yahoo, I was being admitted to the wonderful Antepartum Unit where I would be cared for by the most amazing nurses again. I was in the room next to the "bad" room, I didn't even want to look at that door, I wondered if any other mothers had lost their babies in that same room. I focused on my new room and I could not wait to meet my baby face-to-face. I savored every kick, hiccup, punch, heartburn, peeing every hour, even the insulin shots. I loved that I was pregnant. I was only 35 weeks pregnant, but I HAD to have my baby before Dr. Rowe went out of town. I wanted him to be a part of a story with a happy ending too. I wanted him to smile and laugh when he came to see me after this c-section. I had a ton of visitors Monday-Wednesday, but on Wednesday morning my contractions really started picking up and they were hurting now. The nurse called Dr. Rowe and the decision was made to go ahead and schedule a c-section for Thursday morning at 0700. This would be different, anesthesia came by and told me that no matter what I was going to the ICU post surgery simply from my past and I barely had any platelets. My husband and family had been donating platelets since my admission and I would receive infusions of platelets before my surgery this time. I would not have a c-section on the Labor and Delivery floor, instead, I would have it in the real OR so they would be prepared for any situation. I instructed the Anesthesia team that I would not take or receive any medications like Versed that would make me forget even one moment of this day. I would have to be put to sleep because I could not get an epidural with my low platelets. This made me sad and this also made it impossible for Paul to be in the OR with me to see Thomas exit my belly. I had always dreamed of pushing out a baby all natural with no meds, but this was not an option for me. The morning of the c-section, I got up and showered, fixed my hair, put on make-up, and prayed constantly. I wanted to look half decent for my pictures with my baby.

They put me on a stretcher in my sexy gown and wheeled me down to the OR. Paul, my parents, and his parents, and a bunch of family were there waiting. Since I had to go to the OR, Paul couldn't go back to the holding area with me where they prepped me for surgery. I had to take off my glasses at this point, so I couldn't really see everybody too well. The first person to make me cry was the Anesthesiologist who kept telling me how I wouldn't be able to see my baby after the c-section because I would be in the ICU and babies could not come there. WHATEVER! I explained to him that I would see my baby and he shot back and said that I was a nurse and I knew better. I informed him that today, I was not a nurse, I was a MOM. Right after this, Dr. Rowe arrived and I told him about this mean man and he reassured me that I would see Thomas, and I instantly felt a sense of peace. It is rare to find someone these days that you can totally trust, but I trust Dr. Rowe completely. Then, my OR nurse was a friend of mine from Shriners in Galveston and she kept saying how happy she was for me that I was having a baby and it felt good to have a friend there to witness the birth of my son, since I would be knocked out. Then, they started wheeling me to the operating room and suddenly FEAR overtook my body. What if I died, what if I bled to death, what if Thomas died, what if they had to do a hysterectomy, WHAT IF? I had one of those "Come to Jesus" moments with myself. I laid it all out to Him. I had never wanted something so much before and I begged Him to take care of me, and I begged Him to take care of Thomas, and I begged Him to forgive me for not trusting Him like I should have the past 11 months. I had to clear my conscience. I watched everything they did, they cleaned my belly, I was freezing, I was no longer modest, I was talking to them and they were laughing, we prayed, and then the last thing I heard was,"Mrs. Bennett, I am going to press down on your cricoid and intubate you."

I was out, and in what seemed like an instant, I was awake. I need to see my baby, I need to see him. Where is my baby? Hello? Immediately, Paul showed me pictures of MY baby on our camera. I had instructed all my family that Paul could see Thomas right after the c-section, but no one else until I had seen him. I can't explain this really, but it had to do with all the people that got to see Benjamin before me, I wanted Thomas to hear my voice first, see my face first, feel my kiss first, this may sound selfish, but for me, it had to be this way.

I was telling everyone in the recovery room that I was ready to go and see my baby. The same Anesthesiologist said, "If you can stand-up and get in that wheelchair, then you can go see him." I started getting up, this crazy man did not know me. I would have cut a finger or toe off at this point. I ended up with this super nurse that was my advocate. She said, "No, she does not have to do that, I will push her in her stretcher to go and see her baby." And, that is exactly what she did. Her name is Nikki. She fought for me and she will never know how much that meant to me. They disconnected me from all the monitors and took me to the nursery. There he was, the most beautiful sight I had seen. He was breathing all by himself, he was crying, he was moving, he was alive. I held him, I kissed him, I smelled him, I talked to him, I cried to him, I loved him. I didn't ever want to let him go, but eventually I had to be taken to the ICU. Let me tell you what I really wanted to do, I wanted to sprint up the highest mountain in the world and scream from the top of my lungs, "My God is faithful, My God is awesome, My God is Real, My God loves me!!!!" My hope had been restored, my faith renewed, my heart was healing, the song in my heart was playing again. People, there is no way that God is not real, I know He is real, I have felt Him, I have heard Him, I have seen Him. I told every nurse that came into the room about Jesus, I told all the pastors that came to visit me I was ready to preach a sermon about my testimony, I was ready to tell the world about Jesus. I couldn't stop smiling, or crying from joy. This was the best day ever. I kept doing everything they wanted me to do so that I could hurry up and be transferred to a post partum room. That evening, right at shift change, they transferred me. I had been walking around for awhile and had made them discontinue the morphine Dr. Rowe tried to give me. I did not want to be altered at all. I wanted to remember and cherish every second of this glorious day.

Once again, the nurses at this hospital went above and beyond for me. Eventhough I was transferred right at shift change, they made sure to bring Thomas to me immediately, Dr. Rowe told them that I was not to get a roommate, that I was to have a private room for my stay. I am sure this is what he had dreamed for me with the boys, and now, he was giving me the royal treatment. I am so thankful for his kindness. I probably thanked him 2000 times that day. He had prayed for me, he had cared for me, and he loved me. The next few days seemed to fly by. I stayed in the hospital until Sunday. On Saturday, Thomas was circumsized by Dr. Rowe and he never cried. Dr. Rowe told him, "You are tough like your Momma." It is weird that this little comment meant a lot to me, he thought I was tough, but I thought I was weak. Saturday night, Thomas had to stay under the bili lights due to his jaundice. I had to be under the bili lights when I was born too, he was already like me:)

On Sunday, we packed-up all our goodies, loaded the car, this time with a baby. I sat in the back with him and just stared, I couldn't stop. I did make sure he was breathing every single second. We didn't head home, instead we went straight to the cemetery. I know, this is a bit untraditional, but I wanted to let his brothers know that I still loved them, and I wanted Thomas to know about his brothers. Afterall, if you think about it, if they had lived, Thomas would not be here. Crazy thought, huh? After leaving the graveside, we went home to signs in our yard and on our door and family awaiting us. This was so different, everyone knew what to say, everyone was smiling and talking, strange how a baby can heal so many wounds. People were finally looking at me normally again, there was no more sympathy and sadness in their eyes. Now, I was finally able to breathe easy and relax. Thomas was here, he was okay, and I was going to teach him so many things, but mostly I am going to teach him about Jesus and unconditional love. I want him to know what that feels like, the way I do. I have never told anyone else this, but I want you to know something else that my wonderful cousin Karen had said to me when the twins were born. She came to me and with eyes full of tears, she soflty said, "Trina, I will move in with you, I will help you take care of him, we can do this." We knew that if Benjamin had lived, he would have special needs. It felt so good to see her hold Thomas, to know that someone like her would be around Thomas for the rest of his life, I want him to know and spend time with people like her.

Bringing home a baby changed our marriage. We HAD to communicate a lot more now. We had to coordinate so many things.We had to stay on a schedule. We had to work as a team. Before, we could be way more independent, but now, we had a common goal- to raise a child together. I mean, this is a huge responsibility people. This made me also have a lot more respect for my sister. I don't know how she managed to raise Karina by herself. It has to be so hard. I think it is hard and I have Paul. My sister did it all by herself. She is stronger than I ever realized.She is who I lean on, she is usually the first person I call when I need help, when I need to cry, or when I just don't want to have to call the insurance company again. She handled all the yucky stuff for me. She has protected me since I was a little girl.

Thomas is Coming!

2011-10-06T20:45:00.000-07:00

About four weeks after the boys were born, I went back to work. I had to.I couldn't sit in an empty, silent, lonely house all day anymore. Would I be able to go and take care of other people's children? I didn't really know, but I did know I worked with the most amazing people in the world and I feel like they are my family. They were and still are so good to me, so compassionate, so loving, and extremely protective of me. I had a few breakdowns, patients would come in and ask how my babies were and I would just have to flee the room. One patient in particular had a father that is a minister and when I went in to do my assessment, he said, "I have seen that look you have in your eyes before, you have buried a child before haven't you?" How did this man know? Come to find out, he was a missionary in a country where lots of mothers have to bury their babies due to all different kinds of factors. He said my eyes were hollow, strange how someone I did not know could see my pain, but some of the people closest to me didn't see it, or maybe they just didn't mention it. I ended up pouring my heart out to this man and telling him just how I felt about God at the moment. I now know that God put him in my life at exactly the right time. He comforted me, told me he would pray for me, and he encouraged me. When I left the room, I had an epiphany! For the first time in my relationship with Christ, I was truly treating him like my father. I was raw and open with Him. I talked to Him so much more now, I needed Him so much more now, I was finally being REAL with Christ. You know what? God still loves me unconditionally just like my own dad does. He never left me, He never abandoned me, He still had blessings in store for me. I had no idea how wonderful my life would soon be.
In the time between the twins death and the beginning of March, lots of things were going on. We kept getting lots of bills and I hate debt, I hate bill collectors, and I had to put a stop to it. So, I got a second full time job working with that wonderful cousin of mine, Karen. She works at Ben Taub in the Emergency Room, which was kinda my dream job too. I was still working at Shriners full time too, so I was working twelve 12-hour shifts in a row with a day and a half off and then I would start it all over again. It was only a day and a half off because I would have to switch from days to nights or vice versa. This schedule probably would have killed me if I kept it up too long, but I was able to pay a lot of debt off this way. I worked this schedule for about a month and I truly loved my time at Ben Taub, I learned a lot and I got to see my cousin even more, and with her, I always felt safe, she always protected me without me having to ask. She simply understood, she got it. Well, in the middle of the night on our second wedding anniversary, I woke-up at 2am and I just had a gut feeling that I was pregnant, I can't really explain it. I got up, drove to Walgreens and bought a test, no, more like 5 tests. I came home and peed and like magic, two lines appeared. I felt it again, it was joy in my heart, but this time there was something else with it, FEAR. Oh my goodness, every bad scenario imaginable popped into my head. I woke Paul up and I cried and showed him all the tests. I was pregnant! God still loved me, He is giving me another chance. Now, in these wee hours, we had to call someone, so we called Dr. Rowe! He told me he was excited, but nervous and I needed to come in the next day for an appt, so I did just that. Then, I heard it, I heard Thomas' heartbeat. Paul told him about my crazy work schedule and he ordered me to quit the Ben Taub job due to the stress it would put on my body because it was so demanding. I never like quitting anything, but I would do absolutely anything for my baby, ANYTHING. It looked like I was already about 6-7 weeks along, so I had a long ways to go. I didn't tell everyone this time, no facebook posts with ultrasound pics, no flowers sent to our parents, nothing. It had to be this way. Of the people I told, I told them not to buy anything and give it to me. They could buy something and store it, but I didn't want anything until my baby was here, in my arms, breathing on his own, moving, crying, pooping, peeing, all of it. This would be different. I had learned that there are no guarantees in this life. I never tell people that everything will be okay because sometimes it is not okay. I left out one part, during the time between the death of my boys and my new pregnancy, Dr. Rowe kept in touch with me, he would text me and say that he was praying for me at random times and he would tell me that he knew I would have a baby. I love this man. I can't describe it, but when you endure something so tragic with someone, you are bonded. With my new liver doctor on board, this pregnancy was indeed a lot different. Until the day Thomas was born, I had been extremely tense inside. I couldn't seem to relax. I could still see Ben and Jacob's faces when I closed my eyes. I would see Dr. Rowe once a month for a couple of months, then twice a month for a couple of months, then every week, then twice a week. I never had to wait in the waiting room, Kim always had me come right back. She would share with me and I would share with her. She always made me feel special, and she treated me so good. I had a lot of anxiety. I needed to hear Thomas' heartbeat everyday. When I was at work, I could listen with our doppler at work, but when I had to be put on bedrest, she went and got a doppler and told me I could take it home. She seemed to go above and beyond every day for me. She would give me my lab results in record time. She comforted me when I had to go on insulin as my steroids had to be increased in an attempt to help my body make more platelets. I ate perfect during the pregnancy. I monitored everything that went into my body, I made sure the water temperature for every bath was okay, I talked to Thomas non-stop, I treasured every day that I was able to carry him in my womb. He was healing my broken womb. When we found out he was indeed a boy, we started discussing names. Paul's grandfather's name was Thomas, he has an amazing, Godly uncle Thomas, and then there was Dr. Thomas Rowe. When we told Dr. Rowe we were naming him Thomas, I said, "If my Thomas loves the Lord just a smidgen of how much you love the Lord, then I would have a wonderful, God-fearing son." I will always take Thomas up to see Dr. Rowe as he grows, I want him to know men like Dr. Rowe, I want him to be so in love with Christ that it comes out in all that he does. Dr. Rowe is like that, he prayed with me at my appts, before my surgeries, and I know he prayed for me when I wasn't even around. If anyone ever needs a high risk maternal fetal doctor, then I highly recommend this man. I could go on for days about his greatness. His entire staff is amazing, thoughtful, hard-working, compassionate, and just plain wonderful. I actually looked forward to every single appointment with him and his team.
Okay, I'm getting to the good part, but it will have to wait. I am sleepy and I want to give the next blog my best. Afterall, this would be the best day of my life, I would be renewed, refreshed, I would rejoice again, I would feel God, really feel Him.

Dodging a Bullet Today and Some Other Stuff

2011-10-05T21:19:00.000-07:00

This morning, I woke-up and headed to bootcamp to workout. I look forward to working out with this wonderful group of people and our fearless leader David. David is a true man of God. He knows so many scriptures and he gets so excited when sharing God's word. He prays with us every morning and he encourages me so much. I left feeling great! But, on my way home, I was in a bad accident. I am afraid my dream car may be totalled, but we will wait to find out later this week. I am so happy to be okay. I do feel like I have reached my limit of what I can handle. I spent the majority of the day at the Emergency Room. I had to be checked out due to my liver condition and the fact that I could very easily bleed to death, per my transplant team. I was hit while driving through a green light and a man turned left into me. I am extremely sore, but I have found the silver lining. When I was pregnant with the twins, I really wanted a mini van and everyone thought I was crazy. Well, I am proud to say that my rental car is a brand new mini van, it has less than 100 miles on it and I love it. I love my insurance company and I had a great nurse taking care of me. My sister and Karen got more done at the ER than if they had gone to work. My sister took care of a bunch of bills for me, Karen worked steadily on the Softball Tournament Fundraiser, and I was able to write out all our other bills to send out. It was nice to get to spend time with them, time has taken on a new meaning for me, it is such a gift. Paul called the insurance company and took care of all of that during his conference period. Thomas had picture day today at Mother's Day Out and I can't wait to see the pictures. I realized that even in the midst of chaos, there was order in my life. A very nice man stopped to help me out and helped me find my glasses that were knocked off my face and my phone that was also thrown back. I wish I had pics, but it was still dark out and my old Iphone does not have flash, so no luck.
     After being discharged today, I went to the Enterprise place to pick-up my rental car and a lady there recognized me from all the fundraiser stuff. I was so humbled by a stranger telling me that she knew I was a former teacher, she had been praying for me, and she had donated money. I mean, people I have never met REALLY are praying for me. I am so blessed, God is so evident, so real. After leaving the rental car place, I had to go grocery shopping. I was lucky to get one of the baskets with a steering wheel for Thomas to drive the cart with. I wish you all could have seen how cute he was. He was talking and waving to everyone we went past. I talk a lot to him and he kept throwing stuff out of the basket, so we were playing while shopping. A lady walked up to me and said, "It is so nice to see a mom that loves and enjoys her child, I can tell how much you love him." Of course, this made me cry because then I think about how I don't want to leave him, I want to be here for him, I want him to know me, I want to see him come to know Christ as his Saviour, I want to see him fall in love, I want to see him hit a homerun, I want to see everything. I shared with this woman about my twins and how, yes, Thomas was the biggest blessing, he restored my hope, he brought so much joy back into my life. When I was loading groceries after checking out, this same lady came and told me that she would be praying for me and that she just knew that everything was going to be okay. People are so good, this I know.
     Speaking of joy, it was a long time after the boys had died that I laughed, I mean a belly laugh that makes you cry because you can't stop. I felt that if I was joyful and happy, I would be letting them down somehow. I know that sounds crazy, but it isn't to me. People rarely speak of them and if I stayed sad, I was honoring them somehow (Grief makes you think a little different, it is a roller coaster). I can remember the day I finally let loose with my laughing. I was driving home from work in May of 2010, pregnant with Thomas in my belly. I was listening to 104.1 and they were talking about this lady that called CBS and left a funny message, then, they played the message. I had to pull over because I was laughing so hard, I was crying. This lady was really mad because there was a severe weather warning during the Season Finale of Criminal Minds, which is one of my favorite shows too. She really let them have it and explained what shows they could interrupt, but not Criminal Minds. You would have to hear it to appreciate it. After laughing with tears, the real tears came and I cried for a long time. I felt guilty for laughing, guilty for enjoying it, and guilty for feeling guilty. It has been six months, I deserved to laugh, right?
     I guess I should finish the rest of the story....After handing Ben over and realizing that they were going to wrap him up and put him in a bag, a bag like I had placed patients in before, it broke my heart. I still wanted to hold him. I needed to kiss him one more time, I needed him. I soon became very demanding. Dr. Rowe wanted me to stay in the hospital, but I told him I was leaving, I didn't want to be around all these pregnant people or the people that just had their babies, I wanted to be home. He agreed if I promised to go and see my liver doctor in one week and if I let him check my labs one more time. Sure, do whatever, can you ask the girl who draws my blood to hit an artery and let me die, death would be easier. I also had to make an appt with him the next week to have my staples removed. By this time, my soulmate best friend Priscilla (whom I call Pree) had arrive from Los Angeles and she made me feel a little better. I think this was hard for her because she had never seen me so weak and vulnerable before. She came and stayed with us until after the funeral, and she will never know how much that meant to me. No matter how much time goes by that we don't see one another, we pick right back up. I met Pree in college, we played the same position on our softball team at ULM, so we were unlikely friends due to our competitiveness over our position, but we were meant to be friends. I could say and do absolutely anything in front of her and she accepted me. I drug her to church with me most of the time and we went to numerous Bible Studies together. We had so many things in common. We recently visited her when we went out to California for my brother's wedding. She makes my heart happy. She has been here for every important event in my life, she never lets me down.
     Being discharged from the hospital without my babies was hard, I mean unbearable, I wanted to steal someone else's baby. I know, these are crazy thoughts, but my arms longed to hold a baby, my breasts longed to feed a baby, and my heart longed to love a baby. God, please raise my babies up, I know You are capable of doing ANYTHING, You could do this if you wanted. Please give me my babies back, turn back time, please do something, this is not my life, this is not my life. Someone, wake me up! Why? I want to know WHY? TELL ME, SPEAK TO ME, DO NOT LEAVE ME, WHY HAVE YOU ABANDONED ME? Yes, I was screaming at God, crying out, begging, pleading, I was completely pathetic, I had hit the bottom, no, the bottom was ripped out from under me. Someone help me, someone pick me up, someone explain this to me. I am such a fool, I told everyong I was doubley blessed by having twins, but no, I was in double pain, double agony, double heart-break. I wanted to sleep, sleep forever really, I didn't want to deal with a funeral. Paul had already started making plans, music was being downloaded by people on both sides of our families, my cousin Kea Shawn wrote the most beautiful obituary I had ever heard, Aunt Joanne had done my Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep photos and she made an amazing slide show, printed out pictures and framed them with the help of Karen and my Aunt Tricia. I treasure those photos so much, photos are a gift, they are so important to me. My sister bought decorations, my Aunt Kim and sister made their little burial gowns. Paul's family relatives own Rosewood and they helped us so much financially and with all the details. His sister Mary's church paid for the motorcycle cops to escort us from the funeral to the graveside.The llist goes on with all the kind things done for us. I was able to spend time alone with my babies and hold them again, this was the first time since leaving my womb that they were together again. It was good that they were together, they were twins, they were brothers, they were angels. This is where you will really think I am crazy, I was checking for a heart beat, I still believed God could give me my babies back. I believe every word of the Bible and I believe my God can do anything, absolutely anything. Paul had asked Dr. Rowe to do the eulogy and it was spectacular. The service, singing, the pictures, all the flowers, all the people, they were a blessing, but to be honest, I didn't want any of this, I would rather lose all the people I love, all my friends, I would trade it all for my babies to be back with me. I wanted to love these babies like my Momma has always loved me. The graveside service was so final, I mean, they put my babies in the ground, they would for sure suffocate now and there would be no hope for resurrection. These are the thoughts I had. I did not know what tomorrow held, how was I supposed to move on from this? What would I do in the morning? I mean, for the past 7 months, I had been planning for babies, then I was busy planning a funeral with Paul, and now, I had nothing to plan for. I needed to start working on Thank You cards, but I really wanted to be back at the hospital taking care of my babies. I was afraid of the future for the first time. I was scared to leave the house because I didn't want to bump into anyone I knew, I didn't even want to get dressed, I didn't want to take a shower, I didn't really want to do anything. I really didn't want to be "the lady whose babies died." I just wanted to be Katrinia again. I was already dreading the upcoming holidays, this is a big change for me because I used to look forward to the holidays all year. I love family gatherings and shopping for others, but not this year, I wanted the holidays to go away and stay away.
     So, I went back to Dr. Rowe's office the next week and this is when my relationship with Dr. Rowe's amazing nurse Kim starts. She had always been wonderful to me at all of my appts, but her heart of gold would make such a difference in my life. No woman wants to go and sit in the waiting room of her OBGYN after her babies die. I couldn't stand to look at all those pregnant bellies, and all the questions. "When is your baby due?", "Is this your first baby?", "What are you having, a boy or girl?" These questions hurt me, but I never had to say anything. Kim showed me a back entrance to the office to use and told me I could check-in with her and I never had to go to or wait in the waiting room. How did she know I couldn't handle it? I guess she must have been listening to God and He guided her to be so caring and kind to me. She was gentle and soft, and she cared. She is absolutely beautiful on the inside out. I soon felt like she was my friend, afterall, she seemed to know how to treat me and talk to me better than some of my own friends. If one more person had told me about this being "God's Plan," I was going to let them have it. I would ask them if they wanted to switch places with me, or if they lost their child tomorrow, would they just say, "oh well, it was God's plan?" Note to the wise, don't tell a grieving person about God's plan, deep down I understand that He is in control of all and He knew this is what my life would hold, but I did not want to hear it, not now. Kim and I grew even closer when I started visiting Dr. Rowe when I was pregnant with Thomas. That is what my next post will be about, Thomas, I don't know if you see any correlation with my Thomas and my wonderful Dr. Thomas Rowe....

The Rest of the Hospital Story

2011-09-28T21:18:00.000-07:00

     I had delivered my babies on Sunday morning, so Monday brought on a new challenge. I needed to be with Ben. Paul and I had talked our entire relationship about having a son and naming him Ben and then calling him BenBen because his last name would be Bennett. He was my little dream come true. I woke-up ready to get out of the ICU and go see my baby. I got up and started walking to prove that I was ready. I begged to have my foley discontinued so I could get around a little quicker. Everyone kept telling me to take it easy, I kept thinking you can go take it easy, I had a baby that needed me. If you know me, I am pretty stubborn and I had made my mind up to spend as much time as possible with my baby, nobody loved him like I did.
     Paul had done everything I had asked. If you know me, I usually have a plan ready. I told him that my mom could stay with me after the c-section, but I wanted him to stay with our son. Paul would come back and tell me about the different drugs Ben was on and repeat whatever the nurses had told him. I know he was exhausted from taking all of our family back to the NICU to meet our baby. I am so glad that everyone got to meet him. He was so cute and so tiny, only 2 lbs and 13 oz. Amazing how something so little could have perfectly formed fingers and toes, a tiny nose, precious ears, and hair. I guess one hidden blessing was that I was a nurse, so I knew what every value on the monitor meant, I knew what each drug he was receiving purpose was, I knew the side effects, I knew why his vent settings were being changed, I understood it all. I don't remember any physical pain from my c-section, but my doctor thought I should be in a lot of pain because he was so rushed throughout the whole surgery. I only remember this feeling in the pit of my stomach, my knees feeling weak, and my spirit feeling broken. This was not my life, it wasn't, I had to be stuck in a nightmare.
     And then, I started my angry conversations with God. I would tell Him how I had waited until I was married to have sex, I had served Him my whole life, I had done everything He said, Why was He doing this to me? Raise my babies up like Lazarus!! You have to, you owe me. Take me instead, take me please, I don't want to live without them. I had already planned on them playing baseball together, one a pitcher, the other a catcher. God, I already had this autoimmune illness, why are you doing this to me too? WHY? Tell me now. I still don't have answers to my questions, but I never want to feel self righteous again. That is what I was feeling, I honestly thought I deserved a baby more than someone else and I know that is wrong. I know this is wrong by knowing so many of the most amazing people in my life that are unable to bear children. One in particular is Misty Reim Williston. Little does she know that she has helped me heal and given me peace. If I had to list a person that I only can think of good things to say about, it would really include the entire Reim family. The first thing I think of when I think of this family is Jesus-He oozes out of this family. Joining a bootcamp in March, I was reunited with the Reims and Misty is gracious enough to share her story of infertility. I honestly can't think of anyone more deserving to be a mother than Misty. Her baby would literally be the luckiest kid in the world. She has lived her life as a light for Christ and if I could, I would have a baby for her. I do not understand why God has not allowed her to bear a child, but I still pray that He will give her this blessing. Misty made me realize that I am not more deserving than her. If I had to go through all of this pain again to be able to have Thomas, then I would, Thomas is worth it. She hasn't had this opportunity, but she deserves it even more than me.I know God loves Misty, therefore, He must love me too.
      I visited Ben several times on Monday and I talked so much to him. I told him how much I loved him and how much I needed him. I told him that it didn't matter if he had cerebral palsy, brain damage, or anything else wrong with him, he was still mine and I loved him no matter what. I could handle anything. Ben still had not peed, this is very important because his kidneys were not functioning and he was too little for dialysis. Suddenly, I was the mom wishing I could give my baby my kidneys. He started having seizures, they were constant and I felt more helpless. I have seen hundreds of seizures, but I had never seen my baby have a seizure. I started praying so specifically, please let my baby pee, please let him stop seizing. During one of my last visits on Monday night, they had to start bagging him and I noticed his oxygen sats were a little lower each time I came to visit. I wanted to be positive, but it was getting harder by the second to be positive, I needed a glimmer of hope, I needed a sign from God. Please talk to me God, do not leave me. All night while I slept in my Antepartum room, the nurses who had taken care of me came in and cried with me, hugged me, sat with me, protected me from too many visitors, and they pampered me. I have no complaints about the care I received, I felt loved the whole time.
     Tuesday morning was hard, really hard. Paul left with his parents to go eat breakfast and make funeral plans for Jacob. I was alone when they came in to do a test to check for brain activity. This is the only time I got angry with a worker. This lady, who I could tell just finished smoking a cigarette, came and without putting on gloves, started putting these electrodes all over Ben's face and head. The nurse caring for Ben told her that I was a nurse and I was familiar with this test. She started doing the test and I could tell by her gestures that there was no brain activity, but I simply couldn't stand how she was acting like my baby didn't matter. I asked her to get her hands off of Ben. The charge nurse had already caught on and intervened and had a very nice elderly man come and complete the test. The news was grim. No activity, no pee, still seizing.God, I need a little ray of hope here. They ordered an ultrasound of his brain next. He had two major Grade 4 brain bleeds and they found that he had several "white spots" meaning that in utero, he had been deprived of oxygen, he had brain damage. I could tell by the monitors and the way he was starting to look that he was dying right before my eyes. NO, please God, you have to take me, I already have something wrong with me anyways, Please God, don't do this, forgive me for whatever I did to make you hate me, please stop punishing my son for my sins. Why God, why have you abandoned me? Save Him and I will never sin again Save him. Save my baby.
     Dr. Bedi came up to me and my Aunt Kay was there with me, it was her turn to visit with Ben. He said it, he said it out loud. "There is nothing else we can do for him, he is dying, he is suffering, you need to let him go." My knees failed me, I hit the floor, this was real. I was crying, wailing, and saying that this doctor didn't know me, I would change my kid's diapers until he was 100 years old, I loved him, I wasn't ready to lose him. Wasn't losing Jacob enough. I can't have more babies. What am I supposed to do? I don't want to be selfish and make my son suffer just so I could have a son. My aunt Kay had lost a baby too. She knew my pain, she knew what I needed. She held me up and then she went to get my momma. I called Paul and told him he had to get back to the hospital asap, Ben is dying. They shut the monitors off so that I couldn't see his vital signs anymore, I couldn't stop looking at them, his blood gas came back and his blood was so acidic, he was turning purple, even with the vent. I heard them talking about an oscillator vent and I said NO, I hated those ventilators and I had never seen a kid live after being placed on one. Paul arrived in record time and we were able to hold Ben as he took his last breath. Oddly enough, a childhood friend of my cousins Robby and Mike, named Jake was Ben's respiratory therapist and he is the one who disconnected him from the vent. My baby never took a breath on his own, I never heard him cry, he never peed, he never threw a ball, he never ate or drank anything, but he did exists and he stole my heart. I can't tell you why, but everytime I think about Dr. Bedi talking to me that day, I cry. I can't get past it. My aunt doesn't know this, but sometimes just being around her makes me emotional and I have to compose myself. I'm so glad my family all grew up on the same street and that we are all so close.

I saw the looks on the faces of the other moms in the NICU, the fear that their baby could be next. After Ben died, I wasn't as open. I just leaned on Paul and somehow he got me back to my room. I was mad now, no I was pissed. I was mad at Dr.Rowe, why didn't he take my babies out on Saturday before the twin to twin transfusion occurred? I know now that he is not psychic, but I still wonder. I said some awful things to God, but in the same instance I had a new respect for Him, He had lost His son as well. He watched His son suffer too. I wanted to curl up in my bed and die, that is the real truth. I was hoping for every post surgical complication in the world. I would have gladly taken a blood clot, massive bleeding, a terrible infection, you name it. Paul and I spent time with Ben in our room and then our immediate families came in separately to visit and hold Ben. I will never forget the look on my Pawpaw's face. It was pain, pain from losing his baby girl more than 50 years ago, he had never properly grieved for her. By the way he was looking at me, I know how much he loves me, he looked like he was in physical pain. For me, every breath was a struggle. For the first time in my life, I had no desire to eat, no desire to open my eyes, no desire to continue. I knew I was a different person, I would never be the same again, I would never be as carefree as I used to be. Blind faith, that is something I would have to regain, or had I ever truly had blind faith? These events would start me on a soul-searching journey that I am still traveling. Paul and I held Ben until the early morning hours of Wednesday morning, we fell asleep in a tiny hospital bed with our son in between us. I wanted to keep him forever, it was so hard to hand him over to the nurse to deliver him to the funeral people. Ugh, how would I survive a funeral? I am tough, I don't like for people to see me sad or weak, but I had no idea how I would survive the next few days, much less the rest of my life.

The Stuff In Between

2011-09-19T17:37:00.000-07:00

I apologize for the long breaks with no blogging, our computer is still at the computer doctor, so I have to go somewhere else to blog when I find the time.

So, I told you about teaching, nursing school, and my nursing career at Shriners, but I didn't really fill you in on all the other little details. I was having yearly liver biopsies to see how my liver was progressing. I stayed pretty much the same, Stage 4 Cirrhosis, Stage 3 inflammation. At one of my doctor appts in February of 2008, my doctor said, "If you ever want to have a baby, you better do it sooner, than later." I was still dating and loving Paul, but I had huge commitment issues due to few things, but mainly a fear of not being able to give him a child. So, two weeks later, we were married on March 7th. Only our immediate family was there, which I later found out hurt some peoples' feelings, which I never intended. Someday, I would love to have the wedding of my dreams to renew my vows with Paul. I was on a mission ( I don't know if Paul knew about my mission), but I wanted a baby more than I had wanted anything else before. My heart longed to be a mother. After more than a year of trying to get pregnant, I went to the doctor and asked for help. The problem was, I was not ovulating regularly and I had only had 3 cycles in the past year. Strange, I was suddenly praying for a period. The things we do to have a baby. I prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed the following prayer, pay attention to it- "Lord, please let me have a baby, but if you choose not to allow me to get pregnant, God I can handle that, but I absolutely cannot handle getting pregnant and then losing my baby. Oh, and can it please have red hair?"
     So, when those two little lines appeared, I had total faith that God would only answer my prayer if He was going to allow them to make it, so I forged ahead with full confidence that God had blessed me with a baby. I shouted from the rooftops about the "blessing" He had placed in my belly. Paul and I told our parents by sending each of them flowers telling them they would soon be grandparents. I was so excited to go to the doctor to see my little baby on the sonogram. And then, there were two, two little turtles is what I called them. I later felt foolish for this next statement, but I exclaimed, "God has given us a double blessing." I clung to my favorite Bible verse, Psalm 37:4 "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." I have since learned not to tell God what I can handle. I've also learned not to tell others things that I cannot guarantee, like "everything will be fine." I can't really tell anyone that things will be okay, face it, sometimes everything is not okay. Until very recently, I could not tell you one good thing that has come from the death of my babies, honestly I didn't want anything good to come from it. I wanted my babies instead. I know, it sounds selfish, but I'm being honest here.
    GUILT, what a yucky word, but I have so much of it. Guilt for everyday that I complained that I was going stir crazy on bedrest, guilt that I wouldn't let the lady who painted a mural in their nursery paint their names on the wall (I guess I wasn't so faithful), guilt that I didn't take it easier at work, guilt that I didn't always sleep on my side, sometimes I slept on my back, guilt that I drank some caffeine while pregnant, guilt that I complained about all the nosebleeds, guilt that I complained about nausea, guilt that I complained at all, and especially guilt that I didn't insist on the nurse calling my doctor Saturday night when I felt worse than I have ever felt in my entire life. I advocate for everyone else, WHY didn't I advocate for myself.
      My Jacob was dead Sunday morning, I should have raised a fuss, but no, I never want to hurt anyone's feelings. I had no idea I would be fighting for my life and my son Ben's life on Sunday. I wasn't prepared, how do you prepare for this? Sunday morning, the nurse couldn't find two heartbeats, only one. Positive me, I kept telling her how everyone else had the same problem, I was so sure everything was okay. Dr. Rowe came in and did an ultrasound, and then without warning he said, "we lost Jacob," I said, "what?". He said, "Katrinia, Jacob doesn't have a heartbeat." I started crying and I told Dr. Rowe he was wrong, he would see, he had to be wrong. He would take me to surgery and when they did the C-section, he would see that Jacob was really alive. He was wrong, he was wrong, he was wrong. This is all I kept telling myself. My mom helped me take a shower while Paul called family and our church. My sister, aunts, and cousins had to call a ton of peopel because ironically, I was having a baby shower at the hospital on this very day given by a wonderful friend Marilyn Tackaberry. It is weird, but I even have guilt that she planned a baby shower and put all this work and effort into my shower and I let her down.
     He was wrong, he was wrong, I was going to prove him wrong. God raised Lazarus, He would raise my son too. God you have to, please, God, take me. These are the thoughts I was having, I never once thought about what my body was going through and that I literally hadn't been able to breath for the past 5 days. I only saw pictures of Dr. Rowe after my C-section, but he was covered in sweat. He had worked hard to save Ben and then to save me. I had lost a lot of blood and I had ascites in my abdomen from my liver. I was yellow, jaundiced because my liver was failing me. This was more than it could handle.

(I am having to take a break, I have never told this story in writing and it is very hard for me)

    As a nurse, I woke-up to all kinds of blood products being infused into me, 5 ivs in my arms, pain all over, but no pain that compared to the pain in my heart and the fear inside me. Where were my babies? I needed my doctor to come talk to me. My doctor cried, this man of God cried and told me how worried he was about me and how he thought he had lost me. Later, I would wish that he had lost me for a while in my dark times. I never wanted to commit suicide, I just wanted to be with my boys. I didn't really want to hear all of this, so he told Paul to get a copy of my OR report and let me read it later. He told me Benjamin was upstairs, but he was not in the best shape. It was twin to twin transfusion and Jacob had taken all the blood, so BenBen was born with very little blood supply. This is the part that tears me up inside when I think about what an amazing man Dr. Rowe is. He must have told my ICU nurse that he didn't know if Ben would make it through the night, so my awesome nurse called the NICU, had them move all the babies beds around so that they could bring me up in my bed. My nurse stayed way past 7pm to take care of me, she went above and beyond. I got to see my Ben. His chest was going up and down, even if it was being controlled my a machine and he had a heartbeat, he was alive. I loved him instantly, but the nurse inside of me looked at all the meds, the monitors, the labs, the vent settings, I saw it all. My baby was on life-sustaining drugs, drugs I never wanted a baby of mine on, drugs that had serious side-effects, drugs that I was grateful for all at the same time. I spent time telling Ben how much I loved him and that he needed to be strong for his momma because I needed him. After a while, we had to go back, but I will forever be grateful for those wonderful nurses that gave me that special time with my son. Little did I know, he would only be here two more days.

     Back in my ICU room, my baby Jacob had arrived and I was able to hold him and love him and kiss him, snuggle him, tell him how sorry I was that I had lost him. I am pretty much an open book if you know me, so I wanted to share even this terrible experience with the people that I love. My family and friends filled up three waiting rooms and everyone came in to visit and I wanted everyone to hold Jacob, love him, see him, and never forget him. I was still one proud Momma. All of these people would have been a part of his life, I wanted them to see my precious baby. We sang worship songs in my room with people all around, I cried, I prayed, I grieved. It wasn't until about 2 am that next morning that I realized my baby was really dead, strange, I know. Paul was at my bedside and I called my mom and sister. They came down in about 5 minutes and I became that mother, the one that lets out that awful wailing, deepfromhersoul, cry. My nurse sat outside my door and cried too. She was an ICU nurse, not a labor and delivery nurse, so she wasn't used to this. My mom, sister, and husband held me and let me cry, yell at God, ask why, they let me grieve. We never bring this up, it is too sacred to us all, but for the first time in my life I was helpless and unable to grasp this thing called "my life." What was in store? I just knew that God was going to perform a miracle in Ben's life, He had to, right?

Okay, I am emotionally exhausted, I will tell the rest of the story next time, but let me tell you, Satan didn't keep me down long, and I only got stronger working my way out of the valley.

Some Times I Feel Like My Cup Runneth Over Part 1

2011-09-12T15:23:00.000-07:00

     I get a little overwhelmed here lately with all the goodness around me. I have the absolute BEST family a person could ever even dream of. They make me happy deep within my soul. I quickly found out who loved me when my boys died. I remember all the people that called me in the months following their death, the people who sent me nice cards, the people who went out of their way to talk to me or hug me when they saw me. You never forget those things. I only wish my sons could of had the opportunity to meet all of these people.

   Did you know that my cousin/best friend Karen Wood has literally been my best friend since the day I was born. She experienced every milestone in my life right beside me. She was there for the loss of my first tooth, my first set of stitches, my first heart-break from a boy, my first bra, my first black-eye, my first boyfriend, my first dog, my first everything. She is often the first person I call with good news, and bad news too. When I called and told her I had liver cancer, she was really calm and we got off the phone kinda fast. Then, about two minutes later, she called me and I could tell she was crying and she was asking me lots of questions. She is so helpful, so she was already trying to help "fix" me. Karen came and sat with me every day for months after my boys died, MONTHS. She knew how deep my hurt was. I cannot ever lie to her, she knows when I am covering up my pain or hurt. I loved growing-up across the street from this beautiful person. I hated it when she was sick and we couldn't play together, or when my Aunt Kay had a headache and we couldn't hang-out ( now I realize that my aunt probably needed a break from all of us:). Karen is 11 months older than me and I have longed to do everything she does. She is a huge reason why I am a nurse today. She is a phenomenal nurse in the ER at Ben Taub. She can put and iv in, a foley in, and send labs off all in 60 seconds with a patient that is seizing. I could watch her "nurse" people all day. Since my diagnosis, not a day has gone by that Karen hasn't communicated with me and checked on me. People don't realize that since we grew-up across the street from each other, we were more like sisters. We both know all of each others' secrets, mistakes, accomplisments, embarrassments, desires, and fears. I get emotional almost every time I think of her, because so much joy swells up in my heart. The best thing about Karen is her relationship with Christ, she is also a Christian, so we will be together for eternity. I wouldn't know what to do if she wasn't in my life. She is currently putting so much work into planning this softball tournament fundraiser for me. She is a gift from God in my eyes. I could spend days telling you about all the good things Karen has done in her life. She is so selfless- she was a nanny to her first nephew Noah out in California, and now she helps her sister Deborah with her two boys, and she loves every minute of it. I smile every time I walk by her car and see TWO carseats in the backseat! She will be a great mom someday just like her own mother. I want my son Thomas to spend time with people like Karen, people who always put others first. One quick story about us is that since we lived on the same street and we were practically connected at the hip, we seemed to always get the same exact thing from Santa each year. I would run across the street to see what she had received and I would see the same exact thing I had opened. Now, we know what was going on, but I am so thankful that our parents were insightful enough to see that if they kept things fair, we would not get jealous of one another. Our parents helped to foster a relationship full of love. I love you more than I can express Karen Wood. You have filled my love bank up to the brim. Thank you!

    One other fantabulous person in my family is my Aunt Tricia. She is the one who sends out all the email updates for me, organizes almost all of the fundraisers, and she is who I often go to for advice. She is my aunt by marriage, but this is one case where that saying "blood is thicker than water," is false. I wish you could see what a great example she is for me. I look to her for so much guidance. She loves Jesus, there is no doubt after meeting her only once. She is a Proverbs 31 wife, she loves her husband, my Uncle Booley. She loves all of him, the good, the bad, the nice, the mean, the selfish part, the helpful part, the easy part, and the difficult part. I often wonder if he even has a clue to how blessed he is. When you are newly married, you need to be able to observe someone like this to help you navigate through the hard times. She gives me the best, Godly advice right when I need it. I can't tell you how many times I have been having a meltdown and my phone rings, and you guessed it, it is Aunt Tricia. I unload. I can say ANYTHING, absolutely ANYTHING and I know she will never repeat it or judge me for it. I told her just how mad I was at God when my babies died, I told her about my doubts, my fears when I was pregnant again, my deepest pain and sadness. I also tell her about my joys in life, my accomplishments, my epiphanies. She ALWAYS listens with an open heart and an open mind. You know in this life, there aren't too many people you would feel comfortable with if they saw you, you know the real you, the one Jesus sees. But, I would totally feel comfortable with her knowing every single detail of my life. I tried to write her a card to thank her for all that she does for me, and I couldn't find words that give her justice. She will still cry with me when I cry about my boys, she still talks to me about them, she remembers them. You see, I always want to talk about them, but I don't want others to be uncomfortable. Tricia still says their names, thank you for that. Those are the sweetest names to hear, those are my boys, they have taught me more in 7 months of carrying them, than anyone else has ever taught me. My God is real, my God is good, my God is faithful, my God loves me, my God blesses me, and my God still works miracles everyday. Open your eyes and look around and see all the wonders God has created, wonders like my cousin Karen and my Aunt Tricia.

So Much I Want to Say

2011-09-10T13:54:00.000-07:00

     Today at work, our PR lady, Joann interviewed me about all that was going on in my life because she wants to publish an article in the Texas Medical Center Newspaper. When I was talking to her, we both became a little emotional and it made me start thinking about all the wonderful people in my life and just how blessed I have been by my friends and family. So, throughout this blog, I hope to mention all the amazing people in my life when they come across my mind. But, I think I'll pick-up where I left off.....

     I loved all my clinical experiences during nursing school, which made it kinda hard to pick what I was going to specialize in when I graduated. THEN, I did my PEDI clinicals at Shriners Burn Hospital for Children in Galveston upon the recommendation from my cousin Karen. She knew that I would love this place. My heart was instantly in love. I was at a place where you couldn't tell which race a child was, until you met their parents. All the children were bald because the scalp is one of the best places to take donor skin from and it heals quickly, so usually upon admission, we would shave their heads in preparation for their upcoming surgery. The rooms were hot, the wounds were hard to look at, the parents were devastated, the children were amazing and resilient. I learned so much about life on this unit. I will never forget the gut-wrenching cries that a mother would let out when her child had died, it is a sound I never want to hear again. I will never forget all the selfless people that work there. I will never forget watching patients that were 99% burned walk out of our hospital. I witnessed miracles everyday. I would often call my mom when I was on my way home from work and I would just sob. I didn't understand why these kids had to suffer so much. It was heartbreaking and rewarding all at the same time. There will always be a few patients that I will never be able to forget.

     Two patients in particular taught me about a mother's love, it is like no other. One patient was extremely sick during Christmas time, which makes the situation even more depressing. This patient didn't have good odds, and one of the doctor's on Christmas day told me to call the priest because this kid would be dead before the day was up. I tend to get a little feisty (most of you are familiar with this), and I said, "No sir, I will not be calling a priest, this kid will not be dying today because he has presents to open." You see, his mother had all the Christmas presents she had bought him shipped to our hospital and she would remind him daily that Christmas was coming and how much he was going to love his presents. This mother never gave-up, she never lost her hope. Hope is one of the most powerful things in this world, you just can't lose it. I am proud to tell you that a priest never had to come because he recovered and is living a happy life today. I witnessed a true miracle that Christmas season watching him beat the odds and prove every human doctor wrong, the mighty physician upstairs had a different plan for his life. I watched this patient's mother look at her son every day and no words can express how much love she felt for her child, she would give her life in the blink of an eye to save her son.

     The other patient was very sick, but his mother also never gave-up hope. On Mother's Day of this particular year, it was found that the patient had become blind. I listened with tears in my eyes as the doctor delivered this news to the mother. Without hesitating, this mother said, "Can I give him my eyes?" I had to leave the room to go and sob in the bathroom. I had a glimpse of the love Christ has for each of us, and I realized how much my own mother loved me. I called her just a balling and thanked her for loving me so much. You see, my mom would lay down and give me her liver this very minute if she could, she cries more than I do, and me leaving this earth would hurt her deeply. Strangely enough, this is one of the best mother's days I had ever had, I finally "got it," and I realized that I wanted to be a mother with all that I am. I wanted to have this bond, I was full of love to give to a baby, and I yearned to love a baby the way my mother has loved me. I still couldn't believe that this mother said EYES, not one eye, both of her eyes. She was willing to be completely blind so that her son could see. Unfortunately, a couple of weeks later, her child needed to go on dialysis because the patient's kidneys were no longer functioning. Again, this mother asked, "Can I give him my kidneys?" Wow, what a woman. This mother and patient could not have been more different from me, we had very different religious beliefs, different languages, different race, different beliefs on marriage, the list goes on, but at the same time I could totally see how we were the same. Love knows no boundaries. I have never told anyone this, but on the day that my son Benjamin died, I kept seeing this patient and his mother's face in my mind, I couldn't stop thinking about them. I wanted to write this mother and tell her, thank you for making me want to be a mom so bad, even if it was only for three days, it was the best three days of my life and it was well worth it. I am proud to be the mother of Ben and Jacob. I would have given my life in exchange for theirs, this I know.

     Switching hospitals to the Houston Shriners Hospital where we do orthopaedic surgery and therapy, I learn a ton from these families too. So many of them were born at 27 weeks gestation like my boys, and many of them have cerebral palsy. I am blessed to know some amazing families and parents that handle having a child with special needs flawlessly. I had one patient that I took care of a couple of years ago, and I miss taking care of this family a lot, but they heard about my need for a liver transplant. They contacted a church friend that sent Paul, Thomas, and myself these prayer shawls that are meant to feel like "Jesus is hugging you," when you need a hug. They are so kind. This same family made a donation to Shriners in Ben and Jacob's names after they passed. These people are amazing and I only know them because I was their child's nurse. If you think the world is only full of badness, think again, the world is packed full of compassionate, loving, kind, giving, accepting people. Don't let the nightly news get you down. Sometimes I want to start my own news broadcast about good things going on. There are days where I really miss Marvin Zindler.

More to come later. Thanks for reading.

Chick-Fil-A Fundraiser

2011-09-07T03:09:00.000-07:00

Get your grub on with a cause.

Make your dinner plans to eat at Chick Fil A, 5104 Fairmont Pkwy, Pasadena, TX 77505 on Tuesday, September 27! Hours: from 4:00 - 8:00 p.m. We will be able to collect donations in a jar plus Chick Fil A will donate 15% of sales that are given in Trinia's name. Tell all your friends! You can dine in or drive thru - just remember to use Katrinia Bennett's name when you order!

I Know I was Meant to be a Nurse

2011-09-03T21:14:00.000-07:00

     My second year at DPJH was wonderful. I had the best friends a person could want, my students were kind, smart, and sometimes challenging, I loved living with my Pawpaw, but there was something nagging at me. I longed to be a nurse, I longed to help people when they were scared, in pain, or lonely. It was time to get serious about this, so I looked up the BACC2 Accelerated Nursing Program at UTMB/UTHouston. At the time, it was a shared program and we had teachers at both campuses. The majority of the classes were online, and I didn't even own a computer at the time. I have never been a person that thrives on computers, I use them as a necessity. This program was available to people who already had a bachelor's degree and a career, but I still needed all the prerequisites for the nursing program. I needed 26 hours! Ouch, I was about to go back to school full-time and work full-time. I signed up for classes in the summer of 2005 and in one year, 3 semesters, I finished all 26 hours. I applied in November and had my interview in December 2005. Boy, was I a nervous wreck, I wanted this more than I could even describe. You see, I had to complete this program in a year because I would have to pay for COBRA insurance, which is super expensive and only good for one year. I found out in Feb 2006 that I had been accepted and would start classes in May 2006!! I was on my way to accomplishing my dream. Thank you Lord for allowing them to choose me!

     Sadly, I had to resign from my teaching job a couple of weeks before the school year ended, but I felt like I was teaching the students around me that it is never too late to follow your dreams, and I knew I still wanted to work with kids. My boss was super understanding, his daughter was a nurse and he valued the profession and was again, very supportive. I feel so lucky that I had such a great boss that never made me feel bad about following my dream. After letting everyone know that I would be leaving, one of the girl's coaches came up to me and told me something I will never forget. Coach Kramer does not just throw compliments out and she found me one day and said, "Katrinia, I think it is great that you are becoming a nurse, if I was sick, I would want a person like you taking care of me, someone upbeat and positive." She will never know how much that meant to me and I valued her encouragement. I often see her around town and I always make a point to go and talk to her, she is also an avid dog-lover like me, so you know she is "good people."

     The first day of orientation was overwhelming, I just knew I would end up failing because of my poor computer skills. Soon, I found I wasn't the worst computer person in the class. I quickly found a group of girls that became my "car-poolers/study group" friends. We quickly bonded together and figured out this program as a team. Every morning, we would meet up at the Kroger's in Dickinson and drive to Galveston. Tara, Moey, Katie, Heather, Sarah, and I shared many tears, laughs, gripes, announcements, frustrations, drama, and anything else you can imagine. The car ride was more like a roller coaster of emotions. We were the only people who understood what the heck we were going through. Our class started with 20 students and quickly dwindled down to 12. We were a close-nit group. I loved the entire year of nursing school, it was hard, it challenged every aspect of my life, but it was totally worth it.

     I mentioned Heather earlier, but I need to elaborate more on this special girl. First off, she is BEAUTIFUL, not just on the outside, but on the inside. When I first met her, I got this really good feeling in my heart, she just oozed goodness from her soul. In her first career, she was a flight attendant, so she would perform all kinds of nursing skills like a flight attendant would. Just use your imagination....suppositories, colonoscopies, bed baths, she would give instructions directing people to the exits etc.. I soon got to know Heather and her family very well. Her dad was the athletic director at a local Christian school, her mother taught at the same school as her dad (how cute), her brother went to Texas A&M and was really cute, and her sister had a beautiful family and lived in Dallas. I kept waiting for Heather to drop her sweet as pie act, but after a few years, I realize that she really is full of kindness. It is strange to me that on that first day of class, when she introduced herself for the first of fifty times that year, I instantly knew we would be good friends. She is one of my best friends. She loves me when I'm mad, sad, happy, grouchy, corny, serious, silly, the list goes on. I knew how much she cared for me when my twin boys died. She made me feel better and that was hard to do during those dark times. She is a Labor and Delivery nurse, so she knew how serious my entire pregnancy was and she would still be so positive, but she would still be a nurse. She would make sure I really followed my doctor's directions, and she even made me several meals. She told me something after the boys died that gave me a little sense of peace that no one else was able to give me. She told me that going through this tragedy with me had made her a better nurse to her patients that experience loss like mine. She even took over the grief group that deals with patient's that lose their babies. She turned my boys life into something positive, thank you so much Heather. I never told you how much that helped me.

    I have so many fond memories of nursing school and all my clinicals that I could go on forever. That was one of the happiest times of my entire life. I was still living with my Pawpaw and he kept me rolling too. I would not have been able to become a nurse if my Pawpaw had not let me live with him. Not only was he helping me, but I was able to grow close to my grandfather. When he was married, we were only allowed to spend the night with him once a year and we didn't get to go over there very much. I was getting to know this piece of history. He had done so much in his life, and he was still living it to the fullest. I remember the first time I thought I was doing him a favor and I mowed the grass. He told me that he may be in his late seventies, but he was totally capable of mowing the grass himself and I had cut it too short. Well, excuse me is what I thought in my head, typical man can't just say, "thank you." If you know my Pawpaw, this next sentence will totally hit home with his personality. About two weeks went by and he knocked on my door and said, "When are you going to mow the grass?" I give up!!! So, I started mowing the grass, but I kept telling him that I knew he could do it, but it made me feel good to mow. I really do enjoy mowing. One more thing, I kept "assessing," my Pawpaw all the time and I swear that I diagnosed him with all kinds of things I learned about in school. I think he just enjoyed the extra attention and put up with all my silly diagnosis' to keep me happy. I was already doing things out of my scope of practice and I hadn't even graduated yet!

     Gotta go take care of my baby, I will pick-up where I left off later! Thanks for reading.

Life Goes On

2011-09-02T17:44:00.000-07:00

     Finding out about my Autoimmune Hepatitis occurred during my first year at DPJH. It is funny how you remember things in your life. I remember some things by the pets I had in my life at the time, others are the friends I was with, and then some are by my job at the time. That summer I started taking my immunosuppressants and steroids. GROSS! That is the best word to describe steroids. It makes you grow hair, makes you gain weight, makes you irritable, makes your bones brittle, makes you feel like you are never full, makes you feel nauseated and the list goes on. I decided that I was going to stay upbeat while taking steroids and it was/is a daily battle within myself. I got my very own waxer to take care of the hair issue, and I adopted a new motto about gaining weight, "I would rather be big and happy instead of a skinny sack of bones in the ground." It kind of put things in perspective for me. I know that when I get to heaven, Jesus is going to say, "Katrinia, here is a skinny body for you, go and eat whatever you want and don't even think about exercising." Guys, I know that this really won't matter in heaven, but it still makes me smile. I have to be honest, some days I lose the battle and I lash out at the people that I love the most, but luckily most of them are very forgiving and understanding. I had already purchased plane tickets to go back to Africa with my Pawpaw, Aunt Kim, and my brother John. I asked my hepatologist about this and he said I could go, but this should be the last time. Since I am now immunocompromised, I was extremely vulnerable to all the diseases and new bacteria the country of Africa had to offer. My doctor made me promise I would never go back after this summer. I agreed with my fingers crossed, I have never been a person that likes it when people try to put boundaries around me. If you really want me to do something, all you have to do is tell me that I can't do it.

     What a blessing that trip to Africa was, the only bad thing was that I missed Paul while I was away. I now see that God had this in his plan. First off, after going to Botswana and seeing all the hospitals there full of sick people, I suddenly was so grateful that I lived in America, and not only that I lived in Houston with some of the best medical care the world has to offer. Thank you Jesus! I also became grateful for this precious time with my very elderly grandfather. He is truly a legend. He is very giving, but you would never know because he never needs the credit for his gifts. I only know this secret about him because I lived with him for three years and I caught him in the act of his kindness. I was able to camp out in a tent with my Pawpaw in Africa. Who else can say this? This trip was also the first time I realized my brother had a true gift and passion for sharing the Word of God. He can witness to anyone unashamed. I wish I was more like him in this way, there have been way too many times that I passed an opportunity to share my faith. Strange, when you are sick, things are suddenly easy to prioritize in my mind. I am unashamed of the love I have for Jesus Christ. Anytime I am down, all I have to do is look at my son and there is no mistake that God loves me and fulfills His promises. On the day Thomas was born, I wanted to shout from every rooftop about my God! This trip also allowed me to truly bond with my Aunt Kim. I will never know how she accomplished all that she has in her life. She is a single mom to 3 wonderful kids, an RN, a believer, a sister, a daughter, a volunteer, a friend, and my hero. Did you know that when my parents couldn't afford new school clothes for me while I was in high school, Kim took me shopping for new clothes and I got to buy something that wasn't on sale? Now, as I am a grown-up, I fully understand the sacrifice she made for me. I am sure she had to work an extra shift for that or she had to give something up that she needed for herself. I am forever thankful for her love and her example. She is happy and content, you can't really say that about too many people these days.

   There are plenty of funny stories from Africa too, so as I continue to blog, I might throw in an Africa story or two. When I came back home, it was time to get ready for the next school year. I couldn't wait, I was moving up to the 8th grade and I had absolutely loved my seventh grade students, so I was pumped to get to continue with such a great group of kids. I was excited about taking over the cheerleaders and I didn't feel like the new kid on the block anymore. I realized that I had to just keep living my life the best I could.

   One area that was still a little crazy was my relationship with Paul. While I loved him with all of my heart, and I knew he loved me too, I had a lot on my mind. I struggled daily with the thought of him not being a dad, I watched him with children all the time and I knew he would be amazing. His dad is the same way, children are drawn to them. I wanted him to experience that. I mean, I wanted children too, but I could deal with no children by myself, but I didn't want to be the cause of him not having children. I think I had a small glimpse of some of the emotions that infertile couples struggle with. I'm not saying I know what they go through, just a little taste of the emotions that engulf you when you think you can't reproduce. The one thing I didn't count on, was my amazing God. I wish I could go back and have no worries or fears about this It would definitely have made Paul's life easier. I also was worried about gaining weight. I wanted Paul to have a beautiful wife for the rest of his life. I worried about dying and that changing his life, I worried about him having to take care of me. I worried that my illness would ruin his life. I probably should have shared all of these worries with Paul, instead I did what an insecure woman does and I pushed him away. Insecurity was a new feeling for me, I had always been extremely confident and fearless, but when you have a chronic illness, something inside of you says, "see you aren't good enough, you are damaged." I wish I hadn't listened to myself because I would have been married a lot longer these days if I had just followed my heart.

Okay, my baby just started crying, he is a little under the weather, so I must go, more to come......